The (Mis)Adventures of Tred Elf (and friends)

"Where the hell am I?"

2012-02-03T11:55:00.004Z

Elf awoke to find himself propped up against a very strange looking tree.

It was covered in flowers...

...that all had little tiny faces...

...and as he narrowed his eyes to see better in the bright sunshine...

...they all turned towards him...

...and blew raspberries!

Elf fished in his waistcoat pocket for a hanky...

...and began to wipe his face...

...grumbling as he did so.

He suddenly became aware of a shadow passing across him...

..and looked up to see what was making it.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh!" Elf screeched...

...and scooted behind the narrow trunk.

"Hiya Elf!!" came an almost familiar voice.

"Vhat you bin doin lately then?"

Elf peered around the trunk to see two odd-looking ........"rabbits".

"Who the h h h hell are y y y you?!" he stammered.

"Don't you recognize me?...." said the one with a little red-lined black cloak....

..."...or me?" piped up the one with the pair of bat wings sticking out of his back.

Elf looked again.....

"It's US!.......Vincula and Voncula! You MUST remember US!"

"Vincula and Voncula.........." Elf muttered quietly to himself...

..then he shouted...

"WINKY and WONKY!! I'm sure glad to see YOU two! Where the hell am I.....

...and what's happened to YOU?!"

"Ve decided to have a bit ov a change" said Vincula...

"Bit drastic innit?!" muttered Elf...

"Not at all!" came the reply, "Ve can change back iv ve vant to...

...ve can be ANYTHING here....ve just say vhat ve vant to be and POOF! ve IS!!"

"You can be ANYTHING?" repeated Elf...

..his little brain suddenly kicking into action....

"Anything!" said Voncula...

"Could I be RICH?"

.........

2012-01-01T16:02:00.005Z

Elf decided to make himself very "public" this New Year's Eve...

So, he got himself dressed-up in his very best outfit...

...and took himself off to Town.

He started his "walkabout" around about tea-time...

...and dropped into each watering-hole as he came upon it.

He couldn't miss the opportunity to do a wee bit of canvassing...

...but, where some folk bought him a drink and promised to vote for him...

...others threw their drinks over him, and told him to p*ss off!

By 11pm, Elf was a bit damp....

...and very VERY drunk.

He lurched his way through the high street until he came to the Ancient Sundial...

...where all the festivities would soon be taking place.

Resting up against an old doorway....

...he felt little hands pulling at his arms and legs.

He rubbed his eyes...

...and shook his head....

..but still he could see no-one.

The pulling became more insistent...

..and then, a little voice whispered something about "golden nuggets".

At the mention of his favorite subject.....

...Elf was up like a shot, and allowed himself to be led wherever the little hands wanted to take him.

Boris, meanwhile, was watching from the shadows....

...and, after a minute or two, stepped out to follow the lurching elf.

Up the Mountain they led him...

....every so often reminding him about those "golden nuggets"....

"But WHERE exactly are they?" slurred Elf.

"Who the hell is he talking to?" wondered Boris, looking around carefully but seeing no sign of another living being.

After about 15 minutes, Elf arrived at the mouth of a large cave.

The little hands pulled him towards the gaping entrance.

"It's DARK in here! I don't like the dark...I sleep with the light on!" slurred Elf...

...and with a sizzle, a number of glow-worms glowed into action around the walls.

Boris, peering in from around a rock could only wonder at the sudden appearance of the strange greeny-yellow light that now emanated from inside the cave.

As he approached the back of the cave, Elf suddenly found that he was being shoved harder and harder towards a cold rush of air...

A voice boomed out of the dark...

"Ahhhh! I wondered when YOU would finally turn up!"

As the Ancient Sundial struck midnight...

...and all the party-goers cheered and clapped...

..Boris saw Elf disappear through the rocks....

...and all the lights went out.

All that remained...

...was a faint sound of giggling and small running feet.....

"We'll get the Russians in!"

2011-12-26T14:50:00.005Z

"Makes you sick dunnit?!"

"Absolutely PIG sick!"

"So what now?"

"Well, I think we should get a surveillance rota started...

...so we can watch the whole scheming bunch of 'em!"

"But there's only us two! How we gonna cover 'em all?"

"Ah!......we'll get the RUSSIANS in!"

"Russians!? How you gonna do that then?"

"No worries!...they've been watching him for quite some time now...

...AND....I've worked out how to hack into phones.....!!"

"Oooo! Clever old you!! When do we start?"

"RIGHT NOW!!"

"Dirty THIEVING devil!"

2011-12-23T13:44:00.007Z

"Well...the crack is this see....

....Elves B Wee get a nugget grantee to do some local project about the olden times......

.....Elven Spirit "help out" with the youngsters....

...and a fillum is made"

"Go on..."

"So the fillum ticks all the grantee boxes for Elves B Wee...

...AND for a special project that Elven Spirit has ALSO had a grantee for..."

"So..."

"The same bits of fillum are used for BOTH projects....so all the grantee nuggets are secure....

...and all the spare nuggets go into waistcoat pockets!!"

"Of course.....there's no "official" connection to a certain elf...

...but he's got his sticky mitts in both pies I can tell you!"

"Probably as a "Consultytant" or something eh?"

"Probably!"

"Dirty Devil!"

"Dirty, THIEVING devil!"

"Nice Christmas present to himself and his mates though isn't it?!"

In a dark corner ...

2011-12-19T17:29:00.005Z

...of the Golden Crocodile...

..two shady-looking characters were trying to hide...

...behind large glasses of Burdilion and Dandock.

Rocky, the Roving Reporter (aka RRR)...

...and his 8 inch high collaborator, Jones the Spy (aka JP)...

...had arranged a get-together to catch up...

...on the antics of a certain "elf".

"Have you heard the latest?"

"I've heard a few things...which is the latest thing you've heard?"

"He's been down at Geesehaven....getting all comfy...

...on tea-making terms with them down there he is!"

"Ah! Well! Where there's nuggets...there's an elf!"

"What you heard then?"

"He's been cosyin' up to the local business-folk...

...promising 'em all sorts of deals!"

"Like what exactly?"

"Promisin' to get 'em work with Gwendy Bent...

..."contracts" like..."

"What! Even though he isn't even a Gwendy Benty yet?!"

"I've heard that it's sorted....the Red Scarves have fixed it for 'im"

"Even though he's BENT!?"

"Yup!"

"Criminal!"

"Yup!...Hey...you heard about that thing with Elves B Wee...?

"No! "

"Oh! It's a right fiddle he's sorted there!....

...just you listen to this....."

"They are a bunch of TWERPS!"

2011-12-14T15:23:00.007Z

Stinker was feeling pleased at the minute...

...seeing as his household chores were now being carried out by Wesley...

...who seemed to have been born to it.

Everything around Bedelfty House was spic and span and shining like a new pin.

The rabbit had dug out paintbrushes and pots of paints from the understairs cupboard, and attacked the walls like a fluffball-possessed.

You wouldn't have recognised the place...

...nor the gardens, after Wesley had recruited some of his cousins to dig it into shape.

The whole place was like new, and Elf and one of his combittee mates had their photo taken outside...

...as a "promotional" photo to use for the election campaign.

This had made Elf feel a lot better, after he'd had a dreadful tellingphone-call from a livid Twttee chicken...

...who was almost ready to kill anyone because her school had been given VERY LOW MARKS in the latest banding exercise!

"They are a bunch of TWERPS!" she'd screeched down the phone...

..."I'M brilliant!!...and so is my school!! Why! I even go around other schools showing heads how to be as brilliant as ME! They don't know WHAT they're talking about...giving me a FIVE indeed!! I'm going to find out who is responsible...and peck their eyes out!!"

Elf had had to hold the phone away from his earhole...

...the chicken had been THAT loud!

"I can't have this information getting about" he thought to himself...

...and told the chicken not to mention it, and to make sure no-one else did either.

He couldn't risk anything blackening his name before the elections.

He already had the dubious stuff with "That Damned Thing" that had gone under with a quarter of a million nuggets missing...

...especially as one of his little companies had benefited to the tune of...

...well.....quite a substantial amount!

There'd been a few folks sniffing about, but he'd managed to get it sat on...

...just in time too. Else THAT would have come back to turn his election dreams
into veritable nightmares.

While Elf was off swanning...

...Stinker had eagerly returned to his beloved shed.

He blew the dust off of his notebooks...

...and began to pour various chemicals into large glass flasks...

"Now the babysitting duties are over I can get back to my lovelies again....."

thought the elf...

"And make Elf a Gwendy-Benter into the bargain!!"

"I'm GOIN' places!"

2011-12-07T13:04:00.007Z

Elf had been a busy little bee's knees...

...talking to folks on his telling phone...

...and his Raspberry!

He'd been visiting Twttee Chicken too...

...down at the school...

..to let her know exactly what was going to happen.

"I'm GOIN' places!" he beamed. "Once I'm into Gwendy Bent, I'm all set to get my backside in the Heducation chair...an' THEN I can REALLY make things happen for our Cherry Peacevine...

...and YOU ...of course ..." he added quickly as he saw the chicken's beady eyes open wide.

"Weeeel" she said..."The experience you've had at THIS school will stand you in good stead....all the things I've taught you along the way....I should hope that you can get ME a nice little bunce in the system somewhere as well as Mrs Tomato!"

(The fact that results had fallen steadily over the past few years seemed to have escaped both of their attentions...but, there again....they seemed to have gotten away with almost murder, theft and widespread corruption ...so it can be deduced that no one has been taking much notice anyway!!!))

Chicken and elf settled back into their comfy chairs to enjoy a little dram.

Both were lost in thoughts about all the nuggets that would be coming their way when Elf's local government career shifted up a notch...

"HA!"

2011-11-30T15:02:00.002Z

Elf had had to find some different footwear to use.....

...so....

...he made his way to the post box ...

...in a pair of Wesley's oversized bright-neon-pink fluffy slippers!

It had HAD to be done though....

....he just HAD to post his Gwendy Bent "Yes! I'm standing for election!" forms.

"HA!" he shouted...

...and rubbed his hands...

...as he slipped the envelope into the slot....

....exploding wellies...

2011-11-20T13:42:00.009Z

It seemed that the Monster Kids had found themselves somewhere to hide out...

...other than at Bedelfty House.

Stinker and Elf were most relieved!

The few days after their return had been fairly uneventful...

...and even Bonfire Night had been quiet...

...with no-one putting rockets through the letterbox (for a change)....

...and Elf, Stinker and Wesley had sat down with cups of steaming nettle tea...

...to watch "Jingle Book" on the seeing-stone.

The next day, Elf decided to get outside and do a bit of gardening.

He put on his "dirty work" waistcoat, and went into the hall to get his wellies....

...singing to himself...

"Yoo hoo whooo....i wanna be like Yooo hoo hoo ...doo bee doo bee doo bee....."

As he slipped his stripy-stockinged feet into them though...

...there were a series of loud CRACK!s.

Stinker ran into the hallway to find Elf hopping around squeaking madly.

Between them, Stinker and Wesley got the poor Elf onto the rug, yanked off his boots, and shook out the firecrackers that were still exploding inside them.

"Who the hell put THOSE in there!?" growled Stinker...

"The Kids..." said Wesley, shaking his head...

"They've got their names on them look!"

"Well!" said Stinker, "That was CRUEL!"

"Come on Elf, let's get you into the kitchen and have a look at those feet!"

...and they carried the shaking elf to his fireside armchair.

..."Has anyone seen you?!"

2011-11-08T15:08:00.007Z

Stinker, who'd never set eyes on Wesley before....

..thought that the house had been overtaken by mad folk!

(He wasn't really far wrong....)

So, he leaped to Elf's defence, and smacked the rabbit over the head with a suitcase.

Wesley hit the deck like a felled tree, but immediately sat up....

...and burst into floods of dramatic tears.

Stinker was just about to whack him again, when Elf shouted....

"NO! STOP!....it's WESLEY....he's a FRIEND!"

Stinker put down the suitcase, mumbled an apology....

...and headed for the kitchen to put on the kettle.

The room was in a right state!

The poor, rather houseproud elf plonked down onto one of the kitchen chairs.

His backside didn't stay there for long though....

...as it made contact with some device that sent a painful shock through his body!

He shrieked....

...and, as Elf and a still-tearful Wesley came through the door....

...they were rather surprised to find Stinker clinging onto the ceiling light.

"What's happened in HERE!?" asked Elf ...

...looking at the incredible mess that had used to be his tidy kitchen.

"Oh .....it's the kids....." explained Wesley, waving his hands about...

..."They tend to be a bit....well.....messy!"

"I should bliddy-well say so!" spat Stinker, lowering himself down onto the table.

"And what's THIS THING?!" he asked, carefully holding up the small device that had sent him skywards a few moments before.

"Oh! DHALING!" crooned Wesley...."It's just one of their little toys!"

"Well it's going in the BIN!" snapped Stinker, and threw it into the container next to the fire.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you..." warned Wesley....

..."They can get a bit nasty if you miff them off"

"MIFF THEM OFF!" repeated Stinker, menacingly...

...."I'll wring their bliddy necks for them if they come back into this house!"

"They haven't GOT necks!" pouted Wesley....

..."..and, you MAY have noticed...they LEFT as soon as YOU came in!"

The rabbit focussed his attention on his peeling nail varnish, and then stuck his nose in the air....eyeing Stinker with distaste on the way....

"AH-HM!....I think I'd better introduce you two PROPERLY!" said Elf....

"Stinker...this is Wesley......Wesley....this is Stinker.....and I'd LIKE you to be FRIENDS!"

"He's RUDE!" said Wesley

"He's ODD!" replied Stinker......"...and why's he dressed like a woman!?"

Elf kicked Stinker's ankle, and it made him double over in pain....

"That's better!" said Wesley......"I DO like it when folk BOW to me!"

Stinker's head shot up, and he opened his mouth to say something....

...but before he could, Elf shoved a toffee into it, and turned to Wesley...

...something just having occurred to him....

"Has anyone seen you since you came back?" asked Elf

"No. We've been tucked up in here all the time" came the reply.

"Thank goodness for THAT!" said Elf....

"I need to be able to make folk think that I rescued you!"

"Whatever for!?" asked the rabbit, eyes like saucers...

"...So I can raise my profile for the elections next year!....

....and YOU can design my new outfit for the campaign!"

Suddenly, Elf's world became pink again....

..as the excited rabbit threw himself back around his "saviour's" neck.....

Back home......on Halloween.

2011-10-31T13:14:00.008Z

Elf had plonked himself on the first trolley to be heading his way....

...and just as it was about to pull away from the tunnel station...

...a breathless Stinker fell into the carriage.

"You COULD have waited for me!" he gasped....

...but Elf just stared out of the window, not saying a word....

...and that was the way it stayed all the way back to Town.

Stinker and Elf dragged their suitcases up the front path of Bedelfty House.

It was by now very dark....

...and things felt a bit creepy.

At last, Elf broke his silence and said to Stinker....

"Do you feel that?"

"I think I do" came the reply....

...and the two elves shuffled a bit closer together as they reached the front door.

Shadows were playing tricks with their eyes....

...there were strange sounds blowing on the breeze...

...as Elf turned the doorknob...

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

...came a scream....apparently from the sitting-room.....

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

...came another one, from upstairs this time.

Elf and Stinker's teeth were chattering like mad by now....

...and they were extremely afraid to set a single foot over the threshold.

They looked at each other.....

...and Stinker opened his mouth to say something.....

..but before he could utter a sound....

...a group of stitched-mouthed little monsters appeared in the hallway, and flew through the open door....

....leaving the two elves flat on the doormat!

They lay there for a few minutes, and, when it seemed that all was quiet...

...they pulled themselves to their feet.

"What the bliddy hell is going on here!" hissed Stinker....

...but before Elf could reply....

...something pink and fluffy threw itself around his neck.....

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Elf.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" screamed Stinker.

"OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" the pink fluffy thing screamed......

"Welcome home DAHLING....I've been waiting for you for DAYS!!"

Landsarotting Part 12

2011-10-28T12:48:00.011+01:00

Suddenly the mega-sized seeing-stone at the other end of the sun terrace...

....crackled into action....

...and a po-faced bod could be seen shaking his head.

After a few seconds, the sound kicked in and everyone heard the word...."SKULLDUGGERY!!"

All the Red Scarves turned....

...and stuck their fingers up to the screen.

"Skullduggery INDEED!" said one, indignantly. "We didn't do anything dirty at all!"

Dedders and Stev looked around and said....

...fingers crossed behind their backs.....

"Quite RIGHT!! As if we WOULD!"

At this point Stinker screeched "Elf's DROWNING!!" DO SOMETHING!!"

"Shit! I'd forgotten 'im" mumbled Dedders....

Elf didn't know where he was....

....he had no idea which way was up...and which way was down....

He'd tried to breathe, but all he got were lungs full of chlorinated water!

Panic set in....

...but this, at least, managed to get him the right way up.

His head bobbed out of the water, and his eyes focused blearily on something moving at the other end of the pool.

Before he could see properly, there came a strange sound...

...Da Dum...

...Da Dum...

...Da Dum...

...Da Dum...

...Da Dum......Da Dum......Da Dum......Da Dum...

DADUMDADUMDADUMDADUMDADUMDADUM.....

..and then....

......voices screaming.....

"SHARKS!!"

A huge Great White appeared on the screen.....

...jaws wide open....

...and five shark fins could be seen swimming up the pool towards the very confused Elf!

A very FRIGHTENED Elf too!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhh!

"Ge' me out!!! Ge' me out!!" he screamed.

Kross sprang into action....

...waving his arms around wildly.....

Stinker shrieked "Get him out.....he can't swim!"

"Shut up you FOOL! " said Kross.....

..."It's a bliddy paddling pool....only 18 inches deep!!"

As Kross gesticulated.....

...the large crane-hook came into sight....

Kross waved at another member of hotel staff....

...who immediately jumped in...

...and secured the tip of the hook in Elf's leggings.

"TAKE IT AWAY!!" shouted Kross....

...and the next thing Elf knew...

...was that the paddling pool was getting smaller below him....

...and the draft around his nether-regions was getting very cold indeed!

He could see five elf children waving and laughing at him....

...shark fin hats in hands.

He could see Dedders, Stev, Troll, Stinker and the other Red Scarves staring upwards..

...getting smaller and smaller....

He began to spin.....

...first seeing the windows of the hotel whizzing past...

...then the view of the sea.....

He felt sick.....

"I don't like this!!" he squeaked.....

...I want to get off!"

CLUNK!

The crane had come to the top....

...leaving the terrified elf swinging around like a bauble on a Christmas tree on the hook.

The crane-driver was grinning....

...as his Raspberry sounded, and Kross shouted "WELL DONE MATE!!" into his earhole.

"I want to get off!" squeaked Elf again....

...and the crane-driver said "Ok mate! You're in that room THERE aren't you?"

He was pointing to Elf and Stinker's balcony.

"I'll lower you down, and then you can hop off!"

Any colour left in Elf's face now departed...

..and he closed his eyes as he felt himself descend again.

"Right you are!" shouted the crane-driver...."Swing for it!"

Elf was rigid.

"Come on then...I'll give you a hand...." said the driver....

...and he pulled a lever that started the wire swinging backwards and forwards.

Elf threw-up.....

...or rather down.....

...and, more by luck than judgement....

...after the fourth swing....

...he found himself clinging onto the railing just outside his room.

By this time, Stinker and the others had got into the bedroom and opened the balcony doors....

"Grab 'im!" shouted Dedders....

"Oh! ...he's lost 'is grip!" shouted Troll....

"Get him BACK!" pleaded Stinker....

"What's that stain on 'is leggin's?" asked Dedders....

"Don't ask!" replied Troll...

After a few minutes....

...Stev managed to grab Elf's waistcoat and haul him onto the balcony.

Stinker unhooked leggings from crane-hook...

...and dragged the quivering Elf into the room.

After about an hour of trying to coax Elf into clean clothes....

...suddenly, he sprang into gibbering action!

He rushed around the room like an elf possessed, flinging clothes and anything else he could grab into his suitcase.

"I'M LEAVING THIS BLIDDY PLACE RIGHT NOW!!!" he screeched....

...and before anyone could stop him....

...he was out onto the landing...

...down the stairs....

...out of the hotel...

...and in the trolley station...

...gripping his suitcase like his life depended on it!....

...completely oblivious to the strange looks his leggings were attracting....

Landsarotting Part 11

2011-10-10T17:04:00.009+01:00

Elf pulled the room door closed behind him...

...and made his way downstairs, swinging his towel happily.

As he came around the corner of the hotel...

...and onto the sundeck near the swimming pools...

..he could hear some very loud shouting going on.

Peering through his rather too dark sunglasses...

...he could see that Dedley appeared to be doing some kind of strange dance!

Elf went over to where Stinker was soaking up the sun, and asked what was going on.

"Oh! It's been bonkers!" replied Stinker. "Look at Dedley's hands for a start..."

Elf looked and saw that the troll's hands were bandaged like a boxer's...

"He went a bit over the top with the clapping after Bandey did his conference speech..." explained Stinker..

....."..then he got rather too drunk and got that black eye on the handle bars of a bike that someone had parked outside the conference centre"

"And NOW......" Stinker went on.....

"...all their Raspberries farted at the same time....

... apparently telling them ....that fella's gone from being in charge of Gwendy Bent....

...and they've all gone nuts!"

With that......

...Dedley lurched towards Elf, and, before he could do anything about it....

......found himself up in the air, held aloft by the huge troll!

"We've done it Elf!! We've done it at last!!! HE'S GONE!!!"

"...now we can concentrate on getting your profile raised ready for the elections next year!"

"PUT ME DOWN!" screeched Elf.....

...feeling queasy as Dedley held him over the edge of the deep swimming pool.

Dedley, however, continued to dance and sway...

...so Elf smacked one of his bandaged hands very hard indeed!

"OUCH!!" yelled Dedley...

...and dropped the elf like a hot potato...

..right onto the hard edge of the swimming pool.

Elf's world went black....

...then wet....

Kross, who kept a very close eye on Elf, immediately got onto his Raspberry and hissed......

"NOW!"

Landsarotting Part 10

2011-10-03T12:21:00.004+01:00

Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

"Hello"

"Hello Elf! Twttee here.....I've been thinking....and I believe it will be possible....and...maybe we can put Antikkities and Maps together to make a bigger salary packet too...seeing as the Maps man has just moved out.....What do you think of that then?"

"I'm delighted Twttee.....simply delighted!! How can I ever thank you....?"

"Well.......I've been thinking about that too......seeing as you're going to stand for Gwendy Bent next year.....you might just be in a position to get me a few Consultytant jobs...with rather nice sums of nuggets to go with them of course....."

"Leave it to me dear.......I'll sort it!....."

Elf switched off his Raspberry and rubbed his little hands with glee....

"Maybe I'll go for a little swim now...." he thought, and grabbed his brightly coloured towel....

..Twttee dear......

2011-10-02T15:58:00.005+01:00

"Bbbrrrrrrringggggggggg! Bbbrrrrrrringggggggggg!"

"Hellooooo"

"Twttee dear! How are you?"

"Oooo hellooo Elf. Just fine thanks! ....and yooo?"

"Marvellous m'dear....in Landsarotting for a little holiday"

"Oooo it's good to have a wee break...good for the soul. What can I doo for you anyway?"

"Well....I was thinking.....word seems to be getting out that you're going....and I wondered if....maybe.....we could make a move with the job-jiggling now...before you leave like...?"

"How exactly do you mean Elf?"

"Weeeell....if you can see the way clear to persuade Mrs Pipps to give up her Head of Antikkities position...and shift into another role.....then our Peacevine Cherry could get a leg up as it were...seeing as she can't do the other because she hasn't been there long enough....you know what I mean?"

"Of COURSE......I think Mrs Pipps is thinking about it anyway...and if the MONEY is right...she COULD be persuaded to vacate Antikkities.....leaving the position vacant for your wee girly....."

"I'd be EXTREMELY grateful, Twttee......"

"I'll give it some thought as to just HOW grateful ........shall I?..."

Landsarotting Part 9

2011-09-24T20:00:00.004+01:00

Troll and the other Red Scarves had arrived at the tunnel terminal in Landsarotting...

...to be met by a jubilant Elf and a sleepy Stinker.

They'd hailed a trolley, and demanded to be deposited at the nearest bar...

...where they proceeded to get into the "party conference mood" very quickly indeed!

Stinker had settled himself into a corner, and fallen asleep almost immediately...

..whilst Troll and Elf took the opportunity to catch up with gossip.

"'ey! You 'eard about that chicken?!" Troll asked Elf.

"What chicken?" asked Elf, tucking into a packet of dry-roast peanuts.

"That chicken down the school.....you know where your relative works!" said Troll, swigging back the last of his "Rotting Brew".

"Oh ...you mean the chicken that's leaving...." said Elf....

.."Yeah! ...course I knew....I've been keeping on the right side of her since I got our Peacevine Cherry a job there."

"Peacevine Cherry!" spluttered Troll, wiping the foam from around his mouth...

"What kinda name's THAT?!"

"That's just her name" said Elf, "Peacevine Cherry Tomato.....and I made sure she rose up the ranks fairly quickly too. Easy peasy with that chicken I must say. She's got no friends so she'll do anything for anyone who's nice to her!"

"You DON'T mean.....?!!" asked Troll, mouth hanging open and eyes as wide as saucers....

"NO I DON'T!" spat Elf....."not THAT kind of NICE!"

"Anyway" said Troll, "I've heard that the other folks down there are planning a HUGE party......but they ain't gonna tell the chicken where it is!"

"Won't be the first time..." mumbled Elf....

..."they organised a party before and told her it was in a different place altogether....so she ended up being there all by herself!"

"Maybe we could employ THAT little trick ourselves sometime" said Troll...

...looking sideways at a very self-important-looking Dedley...

...who'd been a right pain in the ass since he'd had a signed invite from Ballsey and Bandey...

...asking him to change the loo rolls in their private toilet at the conference.....

Landsarotting Part 8

2011-09-15T16:02:00.002+01:00

THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"Ooozitt!" Elf mumbled into his Raspberry....

"...it's 4 o'clock in the bliddy mornin'!"

"Sorry Old Boy!" came the reply.

"Troll!" shouted Elf, fully awake now...

..."Is there anything wrong?!"

"Not at all!" said Troll....

..."Just wanted to let you know that all of us Red Scarves will be joining you in Landsarotting in a couple of days. We're having the Party Conference over there...so we can discuss the election plans.....as well as how to get rid of You Know Who!!"

"Oh Goody!" said Elf, grinning. "See you soon!"

He rushed over to the other bed, where a completely knackered Stinker had managed to get into a deep sleep (at last)...

"STINKER!! STINKER!! GUESS WHAT!!!"

"TROLL AND ALL THE RED SCARVES ARE COMING THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW!!"

SMACK!!!!

Landsarotting Part 7

2011-09-09T19:54:00.004+01:00

It was 2 am....

...and, apart from the odd sleepy snuffle...

......all was quiet in Elf and Stinker's room on the 32nd floor.

Then.....

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Stinker sat bolt upright...

...and stared at the comatose Elf...

...who was sleeping like a babe...

...a smile on his lips.

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Elf shifted position....

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Stinker got up and shook his room-mate...

...who opened one very bleary eye...

...and said..."Wassamarra!?"

"You've got one of your bellies again!" hissed Stinker...

..."..and you've just woken me up when I was having a lovely dream!"

"Sorry" mumbled Elf...

...and turned back over.

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

This time it was Elf who sat up.

He turned to look at Stinker and said...

"That's not me!...it's YOU!"

"No it isn't!!" said Stinker, indignantly....

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The two elves looked suspiciously at each other...

...then Stinker looked towards the wardrobe.

"It's coming from your waistcoat!!" he said, grumpily...

..."What you got in there?!"

Elf looked sheepish....

"It's my Raspberry" he muttered....

"Your WHAT?!" said Stinker....

"My Raspberry.....Troll gave it to me before we came away....so's I could be reached in case he needed to talk about the election thingy"

"Well turn the bliddy thing off!" snapped Stinker....

..."before I drop it off the balcony!!!!"

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

TTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Landsarotting Part 6

2011-08-29T19:51:00.005+01:00

It was very strange indeed....Stinker had thought...

Every time they needed to go DOWNSTAIRS, the lift was working.

When they wanted to go back to their room though.....

...the lift was "out of order Sir!" ...

...according to Kross, anyway.

Stinker had been getting a tad tetchy...

...what with lack of sleep, and Elf's "condition"!

However, the resourceful elf had found his way to a back-street...

...and happened upon an establishment that sold "herbal remedies".

He had slipped some into Elf's bedtime drink, and, Hey Presto...

...an evening to himself....

...and a peaceful night's sleep (until the workers began again at 4.30 am!)

Stinker left the room after strapping Elf down to the bed.

He wasn't taking any chances!

Off he went to a small, cosy bar, just down the road from the hotel.

This evening, though, he was over-indulging a bit...

...on a fierce brew called "Cloud 9".

He didn't see Kross slip in through the back door, and have a word with a young elf called Smiggs.

Smiggs made his way around to the table that Stinker was almost sliding under...

...and struck up an amiable conversation....

...that, before very long....

...worked it's way around to Elf...

...his likes and dislikes....

...his fears and phobias....

"...heeeth thit thcared of tharks hic" slurred Stinker, giggling into his glass....

..."...thtupid prath won't go anywhere near the thea....but I'm thryin' to geth him intho the paddlin'pool...hic"

Smiggs topped-up Stinker's glass...

...and just waited until he slid out of sight...

..then he found Kross in the snug....

...and passed on the information.

Smiggs left the bar with a nice heavy fistful of nuggets...

...and a grin as wide as a great white...

"Wha' we gorra do?! Shoot 'im?!"

2011-08-25T18:54:00.003+01:00

The scarves may be red...

...but the air is most certainly...

...BLUE!

Dedders sits cracking his knuckles...

Stev grinds his teeth....

...the rest...

...look sheepish!

The atmosphere becomes unbearable....

...and Dedders just HAS to vent.....

Staring like a madtroll around the room....

...he screams....

"WHA' WE GORRA DO?!! SHOOT 'IM?!!"

"Now Now Dedds" says Stev, putting his hand on Dedder's arm...

...."...it was a good try....

......maybe next time eh?"

Landsarotting Part 5

2011-08-18T16:47:00.003+01:00

Stinker had been sound asleep...

...he always slept well, no matter where he was...

...and no matter in what circumstances.

He'd become aware of a rattling sound...

...then an ear-piercing shriek!

He rolled over, and looked bleary-eyed at Elf's bed.

Empty.

He sat up and looked around again, rubbing his eyes to clear them a bit...

...and saw Elf back in the same position on the wall again.

"Oh WHAT?!" thought Stinker, "not AGAIN?!"

"Come on now Elf..." he said, as gently as he could manage....

"C c c c c can't!" came the mumbled reply...

..through madly-chattering teeth.

"What are you doing there again?" asked Stinker...

"c c c c c curtains!" came the reply.

Stinker looked from Elf to the window.

There was nothing wrong that he could see....

...then, he thought...

"I'm sure I closed those last night"

"Ahhhh!" said Stinker, looking at Elf (and trying not to grin)

"That noise upstairs woke you up..."

Nod nod nod

"...and you got out of bed...."

Nod nod nod

"...and went across to the window...."

Nod nod nod

"...and opened the curtains as you do every morning!"

Nod nod nod

"...and.....then you looked down.....didn't you?"

Elf's eyes rolled in his head...

...just before he fainted...

...and landed face down on the rug.

Stinker looked at the space on the wall that Elf had just vacated....

...the plaster was still soft...

...and there was....

...an Elf-shaped hole clearly visible...

"Bliddy marvelous holiday this is going to be!" mumbled Stinker...

...stepping over the prostrate Elf as he made his way to the bathroom.

Landsarotting Part 4

2011-08-15T16:16:00.002+01:00

Stinker had only just managed to manoeuver Elf into bed.

It had almost broken his back, as Elf was as stiff as a scaffold plank.

The clock ticked.....

...and tocked......

..and then.....

...at exactly 4.30 am........

...the first kango-hammer......

...kicked into action on was was to become...

...Floor 33......

Landsarotting Part 3

2011-08-09T11:26:00.005+01:00

The elf returned to Stinker and Elf...

...with a huuuuuge smile on his wizened face.

Clutching a key in his sweaty little hand he said "Follow me gents!"

Elf and Stinker drifted towards the lifts...

...but the porter, called Kross, made his way towards the door sign-posted...

.....STAIRS.

"Oi!" shouted Elf, "What's up with the lifts?"

"Oh...Sorry......" smirked Kross... "...not working at the minute...."

They lugged their suitcases up to the first floor and made towards the door leading to ROOMS 10 -19.

Kross, however, started on the next flight of stairs.

"Oi!" shouted Elf again...

"We're on the FIRST FLOOR!"

"Sorry Sir!" said Kross, without even turning around...

"There's been a double booking and the other one got here first!"

Before Elf could say any more, Stinker said...

"Come on Elf, we'll manage wherever we are!"

So, with a grunt, Elf picked up his suitcase...

...and followed after the others.

By the time they got to the landing that said FLOOR 23...

..Elf had no more energy to even THINK where they were going...

...let alone the breath to ask...

...and they had to spend 30 minutes on the landing of FLOOR 29...

...for Elf to recover...

...before he could go any further....

"Where...(puff)...the bliddy-'ell....(puff)...are we goin'!" wheezed Elf.

"We've given you the BEST view in the whole place" replied Kross....

..."One of the brand-new penthouse suites.....

...on Floor 32..."

"FLOOR 32!.....THIRTY TWO!!!!!" screeched Elf (not puffing now...)

"I CAN'T BE ALL THE WAY UP THERE! I HATE HEIGHTS!"

Stinker put his hand on Elf's shaking arm, and said, gently...

"Now don't get yourself in a state...you'll be FINE!"

"Let's get going then!" said Kross, turning quickly so that the widening grin on his face couldn't be seen by the others...

...and he continued upwards again.

At last, they reached the landing of FLOOR 32.

They stepped into the corridor, to find it like a dust cloud.

"Bear with us chaps!" chattered Kross.....

..."the cleaners will be finished soon"

They felt their way along to the very end door, and Kross turned the key to let them in.

Everything in the room was brand spanking new...

...and gleaming!

Stinker was overjoyed, and rushed straight to the large room-width windows...

...threw open the curtains...

..and stared in awe at the view!

"This is AMAZING!" he said, delightedly.

He turned around to say to Elf to come and have a look too...

...only to find his friend pressed up against the wall...

...looking for all the world like a just-swatted fly!

Before Stinker could say anything else....

..there was a very loud rumbling sound...

...followed by the noises of a large number of Kango hammers...

...and the clanging of chains.

"WHAT'S GOING ON!" Stinker shouted at the top of his voice...

"Oh!....they're still doing a bit of work on Floor 33..." replied Kross...

"...but don't worry, they take regular breaks!"

"Enjoy your stay!" he continued....

..."...and you'll have a great view of the bungy-jumping competition on the weekend. They're using those scaffold poles just there..."

He pointed to a couple of poles and a rickety-looking platform sticking out right above their balcony.

"Maybe you'd consider entering yourselves!" Kross grinned.

He then did an odd little bow...

...and scarpered out of the room as quickly as possible.

Elf's eyes were as wide as a lamped rabbit's...

Stinker waved his hands in front of Elf's face....

...but there appeared to be no-one at home....

Landsarotting Part 2

2011-08-03T11:13:00.002+01:00

The porters bundled the blubbering elf into the back of an open-topped trolley...

...which then took off at a dangerous speed towards the actual resort.

Stinker was trying to stop Elf's nose from bleeding...

..by stuffing various pieces of tissue up his nostrils...

..whilst trying to get some lip salve onto the cut lip as well.

Elf, naturally, was NOT being helpful...

...so Stinker eventually gave up, and, instead, tried to take Elf's little mind off of his problems.

"Look Elf!" shouted Stinker, excitedly...

...and pointed at a load of high-rise hotels in the distance.

"We're almost there now!"

They were both suddenly thrown to one side of the trolley...

...as the driver swerved to avoid some lumps in the road.

"What were those things?" asked Stinker.

"Blast-ended newts" came the reply.

"I've never seen THOSE before!" said Stinker...

"You're lucky then!" said the driver, as he pulled up outside one of the enormous hotel buildings.

Stinker carefully helped Elf out onto the pavement...

...and then looked up at the size of the place.

"What's all this pipework for?" he asked the driver, who was just depositing the suitcases at their feet...

"It's not pipework" he replied, "it's scaffolding. They're still building this one."

An officious-looking elf came out of the large front entrance...

...a well-practiced fixed smile on his face.

"Welcome to the Newt's Palace" he drawled, "I'll get a porter to carry your cases for you."

Up until this point, Elf had still had a load of hankies up against his face...

He now removed them to try to shift a bit of chewing-gum that had stuck to his shoe.

The hotel-elf narrowed his eyes and took a very good look at Elf...

...Elf stared back...

"Hmmmm. I'm SURE I've seen him before." he thought.

Elf turned to Stinker and said, "Well I hope we're not too far up, I HATE heights!"

"I asked for a room on the first floor for that very reason!" beamed Stinker.

The hotel elf mumbled an excuse ...

...and disappeared back into the hotel very, very quickly.

He shot into the manager's office and gasped...

"He's HERE! It's HIM!"

"Who?" asked the manager, looking over the top of his tea mug.

"That boostard that nicked all the silver pudding nuggets a few years back!"

The manager's face clouded over, and he took a sip of his tea...

"He doesn't like heights...." offered the other elf....

"Doesn't he now!......What floor is he booked onto?"

"First" came the response.

"Not an bliddy more!" said the manager...

"Take the key for the room on Floor 32, right under where they're working on Floor 33!"

"YES SIR!" beamed the other elf...

...and grabbed the key on his way out into the lobby where Stinker and Elf were waiting....

Landsarotting Part 1

2011-07-30T13:01:00.006+01:00

(Ok...so I lied! Well...almost.....But seeing as the kids are with the OldOnes for a few days...her shelves have been fixed...AND I've been to the new Maplin in Cardiff...there's a bit of time to fill you in on Elf and Stinker's holiday...)

Stinker had packed the cases and put them on the doormat ready for when Wab came to pick them up in his trolley.

Elf had been in the loo again....

...after a few too many Milly Rices had upset the very delicate flora and fauna of his gut.

It had been MOST embarrassing.

The pollen count had been high....

...the belly had been bubbling....

...and Elf had had a fit of sneezing....

OH DEAR!!!!!

Suffice to say that many, MANY pairs of leggings had been around the inside of the washing machine before going (finally) into the suitcase.

On the day they were leaving, the skies around Town were grey and threatening.

Wab pulled up in his trolley...

...put the suitcases into the boot...

...and watched as Stinker jumped in...

...followed by Elf...

..who eased his backside very carefully onto the seat...

...wincing as he did so.

"You alright Old Boy?" queried Wab, seeing the look on the elf's face.

"Fine!" spat Elf, and looked away.

"Oooops!" thought Wab, a sly grin on his face as he got into the driving seat.

The rabbit eased the trolley to a halt in front of the entrance to the tunnel system, and, before long, it was announced that the Inter-Tunnel-Trolley for the Canardles was arriving in 2 minutes.

Wab got out the cases and wheeled them onto the platform.

Stinker and Elf followed a little slower...behind him.

When the Inter-Tunnel-Trolley arrived, Stinker, Elf, and the suitcases were safely installed in a private carriage...

..and Wab stood on the platform ready to wave as the machine pulled away.

Stinker leaned out of the window and shouted...

"We'll send you a postcard!"

"God help him!" thought Wab, as he turned to go back to his trolley....

..."I hope the poor sod doesn't have too much trouble with Elf! It seems to follow the blugger around like a bad smell!"

It took a long time for the two friends to finally arrive at the platform at...

"LANDSAROTTING"

"Come on Elf!" said Stinker, "Our trolley will be waiting to take us to the hotel!"

Elf, his face sulky, gingerly got up from the seat, and climbed out of the carriage.

SMACK!!!!

Stinker turned around to find Elf sprawled face down...

after his foot had gone down the space between the carriage and the platform.

Porters arrived from everywhere to help lift the gibbering elf.

Blood was pouring from his little nose...

...and he had a cut on his lip.

Stinker went and put his arm around his friend and said...

"Come on Elf....let's sort you out, and then get on and enjoy our holiday!"

Contact!

2011-07-14T18:19:00.005+01:00

Elf had fiddled and fiddled....

Stinker had listened for a while...

...then found a pair of earmuffs to wear...

..so that he didn't have to listen to the whizzing , squealing and whining....

...of the seeing-stone, while Elf was trying to get hold of Winky or Wonky or Wesley!

Then...

..yesterday evening...

...there came a loud yell from the sitting-room.

"Yey!! CONTACT!!"

Stinker heard that through his ear-muffs...

...and wandered in to see what Elf was up to.

To his amazement, he saw some strange looking things on the seeing-stone.

Odd-looking kids with stitched mouths...

...and three rabbits, squashed up together on a sofa.

Two of them he recognised as Winky and Wonky...

...the other one, dressed from head to toe in bright pink...

...he assumed was Wesley.

Elf was shouting at the screen...

...and the kids were rolling around laughing...

...making rude comments about the size and shape of his ears....

...and his stripey leggings.

Elf told them to "SHUT UP!" ...

...but it made no difference.

They just stuck their fingers up to him in a very rude gesture!

"When are you three coming back?! asked Elf.

"Oh! Not for a while yet!" said Wesley...

"...these two want to investigate the nugget production facilities here"

"Shhhhhhhh!" hissed Wonky, clapping his paw over Wesley's mouth...

...but he needn't have worried....

...Elf's seeing-stone had whizzed a bit, and he hadn't heard properly.

"Well, I NEED you back soon Wesley" said Elf ...

..."I'm standing for Gwendy Bent next year, and I need a campaign outfit designed!"

"Oh don't worry dahling..." crooned the rabbit...

"I'll get onto it straight away, and we can make the final adjustments when I get back!"

"Well, how long EXACTLY are you going to be?" asked Elf, sulkily...

"Probably another couple of months", came the reply.

Elf stuck out his bottom lip....

...but before he could say anything else, Stinker said...

"OK then! We'll go on holiday for a while.....a bit of a break from here will do us good...

...and give us a chance to think and plan the campaign, so that when you all get back...

...we can launch the "ELF for Gwendy-Bent" brand properly!"

Just then...

...the seeing-stone sputtered into darkness....

....as one of the kids blew a very loud raspberry at Elf..

"And just WHERE are we going?" asked Elf, turning to Stinker....

..."Landsarotting" said Stinker...

"Where on earth is Landsarotting?!" queried Elf...

..."It's in the Canardles" replied Stinker...

..."...and I'm going upstairs to start packing right NOW!"

(...and while Elf and Stinker are away in the Canardles.....

......the Cameraman Team will be in various other places around the globe.

We'll all be back by the end of August. So we wish all our readers a very good summertime - wherever you may be spending it!)

"I wonder when he's going to get here!"

2011-07-03T10:31:00.008+01:00

It hadn't taken Elf too long to think about it....

...and before Stinker had time to finish his chores, he'd been sent out to find as many colour samples as possible.

When he'd returned to Bedelfty House, laden with various books of fabrics and hat styles..

...Elf had spread them all over the kitchen table....

...and begun to sort out the colours that he particularly liked.

Green, puce & pink...

Purple, orange & turquoise...

...just turquoise...

"..because that Ikky chap that used to be on the seeing-stone doing the weather said that if you wear turquoise it makes you look better and appear more intelligent to others!.."

Then he'd turned to the matter of hats.

Conical...

Pointed....

Pointy....

...and so it went on....

As Elf poured through all the fashion stuff...

...stinker had been given the job of writing to Gook, explaining what an honour it would be for him to come to Bedelfty House.....

..... and design a new election outfit for Tred Elf V.I.E.!

Stinker had put the letter in front of Elf to be signed....

...and after about 10 minutes...

..a relatively un-blotchy signature was achieved.

The letter was then carefully folded, and put into a scented envelope...

"...and make sure to send it Express Class....not snail mail!..." Elf had ordered.

That had been a few days ago now....

In the meantime, Elf had wound himself up to peacock status....

...spending hours admiring himself in from of every mirror in the house.

"Gook will have such a wonderful time with ME!" he thought to himself...

..."Not every day a chap get the opportunity to design for such a fine figure of an elf...

...and a V.I.E at that!"

Stinker thought that Elf was going a bit overboard....

... but judiciously kept his mouth firmly shut.

Then...

...this morning...

..Bryn had turned up with a gloop-covered envelope addressed to...

"TELF"

Stinker accepted the delivery...

...wiped it....

..and took it into Elf's bedroom...

...where the V.I.E was having a lie-in.

There was a picture of Gook on the back of the envelope...

...and Elf ripped it open eagerly.

"Oh! I wonder when he's going to get here!" he shouted, excitedly...

..."...and what colours will he think are the best to bring out the radiance of my skin-tone...."

His hands were shaking as he began to read....

...his face animated....

..well...

...for a short while, anyway....

..then...

...to Stinker's amazement...

...Elf screwed up the letter, and threw it on the floor....

...his face and neck bright red.

"Whatever is the matter?!" asked Stinker, horrified at Elf's reaction.

"Blugger says he doesn't consider it a job that's worth his while doing! Not an important enough person for him!" " Elf blurted...

...before bursting into floods of tears....

"I've got a better idea!"

2011-06-29T15:57:00.004+01:00

Elf was fretting because he couldn't get anything decent on the seeing-stone.

"I just HAVE to get Wesley back here!" he muttered...

..."To do my new election outfit....AND so that I can claim all the credit for his rescue!"

"This bliddy machine just doesn't seem to be working!" he shouted...

...and kicked it.

Stinker heard the crash from the kitchen, and came to see what had happened.

Having hurt his big toe quite badly....

...Elf launched straight into a full-blown rant...

...about how everything was conspiring against him...

...and that how it was always like this...

...but never his fault.

Stinker just stood there, and let him run out of steam...

...and then said, calmly....

"I've got a better idea...as far as your outfit goes anyway....

...I'll ring my mate Gook!"

"WHAT!" bawled Elf, still rattled, but with resumed vigour...

"That THING with the stupid glasses?!" You must think I'd be seen out in ANYTHING!!"

..."...but he IS on the seeing-stone..." reminded Stinker, quietly...

...and left the room to allow the words to sink in....

"Welcome to Wesley's World!!!"

2011-06-28T12:52:00.002+01:00

Winky and Wonky stood in the doorway of the tiny shed...

...their mouths hanging open.

"Go on then!" urged George...

...so the two rabbits gingerly stepped over the threshold.

Once their eyes had become accustomed to the changed light...

...they could see a large living area, with sofas, chairs...

...and a MASSIVE seeing-stone.

To the right was an enormous kitchen...

..and something was playing some music (of a sort) somewhere in the distance.

"It's bliddy huge in here!" whispered Winky.

"You got that right bruv!" came the reply.

They walked quietly into the room, and....

...nearly jumped out of their furry skins...

...as a voice boomed...

"WELCOME TO WESLEY'S WORLD!!!"

As they stared around to try to work out where the words had come from...

...Wesley came bounding down the grand-looking staircase...

...followed by a gang of strange-looking kids with what looked like...

...stitched mouths!

Winky and Wonky clung to each other...

afraid to move.

They couldn't take their eyes off the oddball little beings.

"Oh don't you worry about these!" beamed Wesley "They're quite harmless!"

"...and it is SO good to see you both..."

Wesley ran to his small cousins and pulled them together in a big hug.

Amidst the tangle of ears...

...and the proliferation of "kissy-kissys"...

...no-one took any notice of the seeing-stone fizzing in the corner.....

"I need Wesley here...NOW!!"

2011-06-19T15:24:00.005+01:00

Elf was wound up as a metal Slinky toy.

Stinker had had to make him a very special cup of ******** tea...

...just to calm him down.

He'd fallen into a fitful sleep in the sitting room, and had now woken up...

...wondering what was going on.

The seeing-stone was buzzing and whirring....

...crazy patterns were flashing in front of his eyes...

...THEN...

...the thought hit!

"STINKER!!" he yelled.

Stinker shot through the door to find Elf fiddling frantically with the set...

"What on earth is the matter!?" asked Stinker...

"Got to get that rescue sorted!" shouted Elf...

..."I need Wesley here...NOW!!!"

"What for?" queried the other elf.

"'Cos he' can design me another outfit specially for my election campaign!" came the reply...

..."...and besides that....I can claim the credit for rescuing him as well! THAT will make me look absolutely BRILLIANT!!!"

"...just got to get this bliddy set tuned in to where those monster kid things are...we haven't heard from Winky and Wonky for ages now, and I need to know what's going on over there....my election to Gwendy bent may depend on it!!!"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!"

2011-06-14T16:16:00.008+01:00

Elf had had a face like a slapped ass for days now....

He'd arranged for all the adverts to go in the Elf Gazette...

...and other local papers...

...for the hiring of rooms and facilities at Bedelfty House.

The only responses had been a bit on the negative side though...

Things like...

"Daylight robbery...that's what it is!" (from Shooter at The Trev)

"Does he think we're daft or what?!" (from Twiggs in the Forest)...

...and even one anonymous telling-phone call...

...where he was told that he was a "stripey-legged tea-leaf!"

Stinker had come in for a right old ear-bashing...

...because it had all been "his stupid idea in the first place!!"

The atmosphere had been a little...

..."strained"....to say the least.

Troll had felt it as soon as he'd walked into the kitchen.

Stinker was crashing pans in the sink...

...and Elf was pulling the wings off a dragonfly he'd caught buzzing around his cornflakes that morning.

Troll sat down...

...snatched Elf's hat off his head...

...and threw in into the air.

Elf dived across the table and bit Troll's nose...

...only to then find himself tossed onto the floor with the full weight of an angry Troll on top of him.

"You ungrateful little twit!" shouted Troll....

...right into Elf's red face...

"I've got a good mind not to tell you now!!"

"Tell him what?" asked Stinker....

...pretending not to have seen anything....

"That he's being allowed to stand for Gwendy Bent!!" bawled Troll.

Elf began to squeak...

...and squeak.....

...and then squeak some more....

...before he could get out....

..."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!"

...his other troubles suddenly forgotten....

"Well! I think we can get away with it!"

2011-06-12T12:48:00.005+01:00

The room was full...

...as all the local members of the Red Scarves...

...gathered around the large table.

Troll stood at the head...

...beads of sweat plumping up on his large green brow....

...looking anxiously at Dedders.

"Ee WILL be'ave. I PROMISE! Ee's learned 'is lesson...REALLY ee 'as. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease let 'm 'ave a go!"

Dedders looked around at all the others...

..stroked his stubbly chins...

and said...

"Weeeeell.....maybe we'll get away with it..."

Another voice piped -up...

"You CANNOT be SERIOUS man! That twit couldn't behave if 'is life depended on it!!! Look at all the dodgy deals ee gets into...linin' 'is pockets every chance ee gets! ....an' everyone knows it!! It'd reflect REALLY badly on ALL of us if ee's allowed to stand for Gwendy Bent!! I SAY NO!!!!"

A mega-rumpas then broke out....

...as is wont to happen when a load of trolls get together....

...and the noise levels became unbearable....

...that was....until Dedders thumped his huge fist on the table.

"Now I know there's differences 'ere" he growled....

..."But that Striped Scarf shorty 'as cooked 'is goose, an' maybe....jus' maybe...it's what we need to clinch the seat....There's no-one else around to stand anyway..."

"Oh!" piped up another voice "So it's OK to let a bent elf stand 'cos it's the only one available....even though it could RUIN our reputations!"

(Sniggers from those who knew what their reputations were like already....)

"Well! I think we can get away with it!!" shouted Dedders...

...in his very best "I WILL BE OBEYED" kind of voice....

"Let's 'ave a show of fists!"

"Right! That's decided then!"

"Where did the word minnow come from then....?"

2011-06-05T11:08:00.002+01:00

Elf sat for a short while....

...thinking about Stinker's idea.....

...when the penny suddenly dropped.

"Hey! Where did the word "minnow" come from then Stinker!?"

"It's normally flish and fritts....not "minnows and fritts"....."

Stinker turned from the sink, where he was washing up ....

"Must have been stuck in my head after I heard Troll saying it...." said Stinker...

"What EXACTLY did Troll say?....." asked Elf.....after a little while....

"Something about you actually......" came the reply...

"Yeeees......" prompted Elf.....

Stinker scratched his head....

....and finally said....

"Yes!....that was it......a minnow in a puddle.....

...no.....a BIG minnow in a LITTLE puddle......"

"Oh I'm sure SOME will!"

2011-06-05T11:06:00.001+01:00

Elf appeared downstairs again...

...after having had a shower, and a change of clothes.

He looked daggers at Stinker...

...who had had the audacity to giggle at his little wet patch.

"Did you find what you were looking for then? inquired Stinker...

...oblivious to Elf's scowl...

"NO! I bliddy-well didn't! " spat Elf...

..."after YOU came in and scared me so much that I dropped my book!"

"....and weeeed yourself afterwards!" sniggered Stinker...

...dissolving again into fits of giggles.

"Well!" shouted Elf "I AM at least trying to make us a few nuggets...which is more than YOU are doing right now!"

"I've been thinking too..." said Stinker, mildly....

"How about hiring out Bedelfty House for events and the like. We could charge quite a few nuggets for a wedding thing.....and even for the gazebo in the garden. About 600 nuggets for the front room....and about 300 for the gazebo......with extra for minnows and fritts."

"D'ya think folks would be daft enough to pay that much?" queried Elf......

...his bad mood now forgotten.....

"Oh I'm sure SOME will" said Stinker....

....Atishoooooo!!!!!!!!.....

2011-05-28T18:37:00.001+01:00

Stinker popped his head gingerly around the door of the Library....

...where Elf was muttering away to himself.....

“I just KNOW it's in here SOMEWHERE...”

“What exactly are you looking for then?” asked Stinker...

Elf dropped the book that he was looking at....

...and a huge pile of dust flew into the air as the book hit the table.

Atishoooooooo!!!!!........Atishoooooooo!!!!..........

Elf couldn't stop himself.....

...nor could he get out of the room and to the loo quickly enough either.....

...before a large damp patch appeared on the front of his stripy leggings.......

....looking throuh a doorway....

2011-05-28T18:36:00.000+01:00

Winky and Wonky floated after the two gnomes....

....and, before long, saw a tiny ramshackle looking shed.

"He's in there" said George, pointing at the shed...

Winky and Wonky looked at each other...

...and both thought that the grass had made the gnome go soft in the
head!

>Nevertheless....

...Winky pushed on the door...

...and, as he looked inside...

...his eyes widened like saucers in lamplight!

"WoW!" he exclaimed....

...it's bliddy MASSIVE!"

...meanwhile....

...back at Bedelfty House....

...Elf was also peering through a doorway.

This was the one that led into his old Dad's library.

Elf was on a mission....

...he had to find that bit of information........

....he just HAD TO...............

"Wenny...Weedy....Weeky..."

2011-05-03T16:25:00.006+01:00

Troll stayed for a little while...

...then excused himself before talk turned back to Elf's political ambitions.

Stinker and Elf went into the sitting room, and put their feet up on the poof...

...that they shared between them.

"Are you SURE you want to do all this Gwendy Bent stuff Elf?" asked Stinker..

"Too right!" said Elf, "My old Dad was on there, and I want to be on there too!"

"Besides, it'll give me a way into a lot of things where I can get my mitts on loads of nuggets! Networking Stinker. That's what it's called...Networking!"

"I just wondered if it might put you in line for a lot of mud-slinging, that's all" said Stinker gently.

"Oh don't you worry" said Elf, patting Stinker's hand...

..."I've got a plan to get back in favour"

"What kind of thing is that then?", asked Stinker, intrigued.

"Can't remember exactly.....my old Dad used to say about it....

...Wenny...Weedy....Weeky ...or something like that as I recall..."

"What's up Elf Old Boy!?"

2011-05-01T13:16:00.009+01:00

Troll hadn't been seen much around Bedelfty House lately...

...he'd been rather busy with Dedley & Co...

...trying to get their man's paw into as many other paws/hands/claws...

...as possible, before the BIG DAY!

Today though, Troll had managed to grab a bit of time to himself...

...and sauntered into Elf's kitchen...

...only to be greeted by a fearsome scowl!

"What's the matter Elf Old Boy!?" asked Troll, looking worried.

"Hhhmmmpf!" grunted Elf, and looked in the other direction.

Troll looked hopefully at Stinker, who was making a pot of tea...

"He thinks you've been ignoring him!" explained Stinker.

"Oh.....but I've been SO busy!" exclaimed Troll, holding his hands out towards the still glowering Elf....

"WELL!" spat Elf "I JUST HOPE YOU SPEND AS MUCH TIME BEING BUSY FOR ME...

....WHEN I GO FOR THAT GWENDY BENT SEAT NEXT YEAR!!!"

Before Troll could say anything else, Elf continued...

"Yes! I KNOW you said that they wouldn't let me stand.....that I am a "liability"....but REALLY.......how can they NOT let me when it's that other th th ....THING!.....that's in there at the minute! NOBODY can take him seriously! He looks like he's walking in a bliddy TRENCH for goodness sake. ....AND he hasn't done what folks thought he would! So WHY SHOULDN'T I have a go. You just tell me THAT Troll!!"

Elf took a huge breath....

..... after spitting out all of that without taking one in between anywhere.....

...and looked accusingly at Troll.

"I'll do what I can Old Boy" he promised....

...and, changing the subject as quickly as possible....said....

..."...now...how about a nice cup of Stinker's tea?"

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

2011-04-25T15:11:00.003+01:00

It was Bank Holiday Monday...

...one of those days when even the goblins of Bogielays didn't work...

...and Elf was sat out in his garden at Bedelfty House....

...enjoying the sun....

...and more than a few...

...glasses of a particularly fine vintage of blackberry wine.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh" thought Elf....

...."THIS is the way EVERY day should be".....

..."No-one bothering me for anything".....

...."No noise"......

..."Just calm and peaceful....."

But....

...as Elf was having all of those lovely thoughts....

...Stinker....

...who was in his beloved shed....

....poured just a tad too much accelerator....

...into one of his new "Dragon Fart" stinkbombs....

It didn't go BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

......it went ........

pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

..and before anyone could even THINK "what's that smell?"

...it was already burning the skin off the inside of their nostrils!

Elf, of course......

...due to his "wasp incident" the other day......

...was wedged in with loads of soft cushions.....

...and.....

..in any case.....

...there was nowhere he could get away from it....

...even if he COULD extract himself from his chair.....

"What's the panic Old Boy?"

2011-04-23T13:07:00.003+01:00

Seamus arrived...

...rather out of breath...

...later that afternoon.

"What's the panic Old Boy?" he asked Elf...

...who was gingerly seated on a pile of cushions in his armchair in the corner of the kitchen.

"Well" began Elf "I want to get my mitts on that old place up in Town..."

"Oh Yes! " butted in Seamus "I'd heard about that one, and thought you'd be interested...after all you've said before and all."

"Quite!" said Elf, a bit indignantly after being interrupted....

"But I don't want anyone knowing that it's ME that's got it see!"

"What have you got in mind for it then?" asked Seamus.

"It'd be a really good place to base my tourism stuff" said Elf...

..."but I'd really like to get someone else to run that so that they can apply for grantees to do the place up and all that kind of thing... and then I can get all the rentees...and my property is increased in value...without costing me a single nugget"

"...of course...I'll be helping with the running of the thing....but no-one'll know that I've got a finger in it..."

"Like in OTHER places in Town!" piped-up Stinker.

"What other places?" asked Seamus,

"Well, there's The Treb for a start" replied Stinker...

"The Treb? What's that?" Seamus turned to Elf.

"It's place of mine that one of my pet companies is running. They get a load of grantees and I get rentees...even though it's REALLY all mine!"

"Crafty git!" grinned Seamus...

..."...and NOW you want to do the same in the other place!"

"Absolutely!" replied Elf...

...and sat back in his cushions with a satisfied smile on his face.

"Get hold of Seamus for me will you?"

2011-04-22T18:32:00.003+01:00

Poor Elf yelped and squeaked...

...every time Stinker touched one of his wasp stings with a calamine lotion-soaked cotton buddy!

There wasn't a square centimeter of elf skin that didn't have a large, raised red bump on it....

...and every red bump had at least one tiny puncture mark inside it.

Ooooohhhhh poooooooooooooor Elf!!!

Stinker was doing his best to be gentle...

...but he decided it might be better...

...to just get on with it....

...ignore the moans and squeaks...

...and chat about "things in general"...

...sounding as "up-beat" as he possibly could.

"Hey! Elf old boy" said Stinker ...

..."I forgot to tell you that when I went up Town yesterday for this calamine lotion, I saw that that place you've been wanting for ages is now up for sale!"

Elf rolled over, and sat up quickly....

"Arrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhh!" he bawled...

...as all of his weight was put onto four particularly evil-looking sting bumps...

...but, wiping his streaming eyes, he shouted "WHAT!....WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER!? YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THAT PLACE IS TO ME!"

"Sorry" said Stinker, apologetically, "I was more concerned with sorting out your sore backside, amongst other places!"

"Well, that doesn't matter now." said Elf, trying to drag on his leggings without touching his skin...

"I've got to find out exactly what's happening with it!"

"Oh, I can tell you a bit more" said Stinker, sitting down on the edge of the bed..

"I've heard that it'll be going cheap because the owners went bust"

"I KNOW THEY DID!" shouted Elf...

...and then promptly shut up.

"Get hold of Seamus for me will you?" he asked Stinker...

..."He'll know how to buy it without anyone knowing it's got anything to do with me"

"Why don't you want anyone to know Elf?" asked Stinker, confused.

"Well....you know....folks have a way of picking on me around here...and I'd prefer they didn't know what I'm up to you see."

..GERRUMOFFFFFFFFF!!...

2011-04-19T15:08:00.005+01:00

..as Winky and Wonky floated off with George and Geoffrey...

...back at Bedelfty House...

...there was quite a crowd gathered.

Stinker was running around like a headless chicken...

...trying to put cups or glasses of various different beverages...

...into the hands/claws/paws of everyone who'd turned up...

...for the launch of the W.A.F.E.L campaign!

The Red Scarf candidate....

...Mr Albumen Drivvel...

...was standing in the sunny garden...

...being fussed over by Dedders, Stev, Troll and all the other Gwendy Bent bods...

...while Elf stood aside in the bushes, muttering grumpily to himself.

He'd most certainly been "sidelined"....

..."Deliberately!" he thought to himself...

"They're all just JEALOUS of me and want to keep me out of the limelight!"

"WELL!....I'll SHOW THEM!" he thought...

...and looked for a twig to snap....

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! gerrumoff! gerrumoff! GERRUMOFFFFFF!"

Everyone turned to look at the shrieking Elf...

... now completely enveloped by a huge swarm of angry wasps...

...whose nest had been dislodged when Elf had yanked the nearest branch ..

"My ears feel weird!"

2011-04-08T19:07:00.003+01:00

Winky and Wonky said their temporary goodbyes to Cecil...

...and made their way towards the back of the cave.

A strange yellow-orange light could be seen around some large rocks...

"Must be the way out into the Patch!" said Winky, excitedly...

"Well...here we go!" said Wonky, stepping out into the fresh air.

The two young rabbits carefully followed a faint path that they could see in the bushy kind of grass that covered the ground for as far as the eye could see.

"What's that funny smell?" asked Winky....

..."..kind of sweet, but...thick..."

"Dunno" replied Wonky, "But I'll tell you something...

...My ears feel weird!"

Winky stopped and tweaked his own long ears...

"You're right bro! Mine feel strange too! What's causing that d'ya reckon?"

Before Wonky could answer...

...Winky hissed at him...

...and pulled him down onto the ground.

"Wassamarra!" said Wonky, rubbing his knee...

"Look over THERE!" said Winky....

...and pointed at a couple of dusky pink things...

...floating just above the level of the grass.

Wonky followed Winky's finger...

...and his eyebrows came together.

"Hey! You know who they are!......"

"Who?" asked Winky, looking again at the floating things....

"Those Nugget-Collection gnomes that were hanging around our Easter Fair a couple of years back....You know, the one's that Troll chased after.....!"

"Oh Yea!" said Winky, "I remember now....they were looking for a Golden Egg or something weren't they......down at Ducklins..."

As the rabbits were talking, one of the gnomes spotted their ears...

...and said to the other gnome....

"Hey George man....there's summat in the grass over there"

"Let's us go an' 'ave a looky then Geoff man"

...and they spun themselves around and floated across to where Winky and Wonky were squatted down.

"Hi guys!" grinned George...

..."Glad to see you!" smiled Geoffrey...

Winky and Wonky looked at the gnomes...

...and then back at each other....

"Am I seeing things, or are we being smiled at and greeted by a pair of NUGGET COLLECTION GNOMES!?" asked Winky............ incredulous.

"Looks like it!" said Wonky....... eyes like saucers.

The two gnomes burst out laughing, and floated about 20 feet up in the air above the rabbits' heads.

"Chill out man!....this is The Patch!" they said in unison...giggling wildly....

...."and there's grass here like no other grass you've EVER known!"

"Another cup of nettle tea Wab?"

2011-03-29T13:09:00.003+01:00

Wab was sitting at Elf's kitchen table....

...looking a right sorry sight!

Both of his ears were in bandages...

...and he had two shining black eyes.

"I TOLD them they'd be alright......but would they listen...NO!" Wab mumbled...

...."said that they'd volunteered....that we'd given them protective suits.....

.....but even THAT didn't convince them....NO!......BAMM!....punched me!...

..again and again! That bliddy Wandy....my COUSIN and all! Pfff"

Stinker and Elf looked from the poor rabbit to each other.

"Well....." said Stinker...

"Just think about it Wab old boy. How would YOU like it if someone told you that they sent YOUR kids into Patch 51?"

"I'D BLIDDY WELL PUNCH THEIR LIGHTS OUT!!!" shouted Wab, banging his paw on the table....

"Exactly!" said Stinker.....

"Another cup of nettle tea Wab?"

"We're going for it!!!"

2011-03-13T18:09:00.003Z

Winky and Wonky...

...took a little bit of time...

...to decide just what they were going to do.

"Have you made up your minds yet?" asked a curious Cecil.

The two rabbits emerged from behind their rock....

"You bettya!" they chorused, loudly....

"We're going for it!!!"

...and under their breath they said.....

..."Nuggets!.....here we come!"

"I think the filum company is on its way!"

2011-03-08T14:32:00.004Z

There was a soft "CooCoo.....Mr Elf......are you in?"...

...as Wendy stood at the open front door of Bedelfty House.

Elf was in the kitchen...

...swearing loudly...

...so he didn't hear Wendy at all.

She heard HIM though...

...and walked, elegantly, through the hallway, then pushed open the kitchen door.

"Hello Mr Elf. What on earth is the matter?"

Elf nearly jumped out of his skin, and stopped mid expletive.

As Wendy looked, she could see that his nose was very red...

.....his leggings were soaking wet.....

...there was a puddle of steaming liquid on the floor around Elf's feet...

...and both of his hands were bandaged.

"Dddd ddropped a mug of nnnettle ttea!" stammered Elf.

"Cccan't gggrip ppproperly!"

He held up his hands in explanation.

"Oh MY!" said Wendy, rushing over to help...

"What HAVE you DONE to your fingers?!"

Elf did some quick mental gymnastics....

"Shut them in the door!" he lied....

"Just you sit down. I'll make you another mug, and I'll clean up the mess too!" said Wendy, ushering Elf into his chair.

Elf watched, transfixed, as Wendy moved gracefully around the kitchen.

"Bliddy 'ell...she's gorgeous!" he thought.....before his mind turned to the lie he'd just told her.

He hadn't shut his fingers in any door at all.

He'd been practicing a little habit he'd seen Troll indulge in when he was angry...

...or gee-ing himself up to get at something.

Knuckle cracking!

Elf had tried and tried to get the same kind of noise as Troll did...

....but it didn't seem to happen for him.

Yesterday morning though....

...he'd been reading that "Dickyleaks" thing again....

....and had contorted his fingers so much...

...that he'd dislocated the knuckles on both hands.

He'd had to get the Quack to come...

...who''d had to put splints and bandages around Elf's sore fingers!

Elf scowled as he remembered...

...and hadn't noticed Wendy looking straight at him.

Elf blushed bright red (something fairly common whenever Wendy was around)...

...but managed to blabber "Thank you!" without making too much of a fool of himself.

"I hope you didn't mind me calling around Mr Elf" said Wendy...

..."but I've had a bit of news hot off the hopping vine!"

"I think the filum company is on its way! They're almost ready to start filming your book!"

Elf stared.....

"We need to get a few things in place ready to cash in on all the publicity" Wendy continued...

..."So let's get our thinking caps on, and get some local projects going!"

"We can run some Tiddly Tours around Town.....looking at all the interesting historic places and all that kind of thing. Maybe we could even get the local Seeing Stone Company involved!"

Elf still stared....

...then....

...opened his mouth and said....

"I'd rather keep my own hat on if you don't mind!"

...and smiled, adoringly at the rabbit....

...OH DON'T BE SCARED....It's only ME!...

2011-03-04T11:54:00.013Z

Winky and Wonky froze on the spot...

(which was quite an achievement seeing as the temperature in the back of the cave was approaching 98 degrees!!)

They were both rather glad that they were wearing their adapted bee-keeping boiler suits as far as protection went...

...but the heat was now causing them a bit of a problem.

They both found that they had puddles of sweat around their feet..

...and each time they moved, there was a slight "slooshing" sound.

"Shhhhhh!" hissed Wonky as Winky tried to move closer to him...

..."whatever it is that's "Hellooooooo-ing" will hear us!"

"I ccccccan't hhhhelp it Wwwwwonks " stammered Winky...

..."I'm ssssscared!"

"Oh DON'T be SCARED!!" boomed a voice out of the darkness....

...."It's only ME....and I'M REALLY FRIENDLY!"

The two young rabbits swallowed ....

...then....

....Wonky summoned up the courage to say...

"Well...if you're so friendly......why not show yourself then!"

All of a sudden....

...a bright flash came from the rabbits' right.....

This was followed by a small-ish explosion....

...before a floating ball of light hovered above....

...illuminating an orange-gold coloured dragon, sitting on a pile of rubble.

"Hellooooooooooooooo. My name's Cecil!" said the dragon "..and Who are YOU?!"

"I'm Wonky....and this is my brother Winky!" .....

"...and we've come to try and rescue our cousin Wesley, who's been held captive by an evil band of Monster Kids in Patch 51!"

The dragon threw back his head and roared....

...sending Winky and Wonky quickly behind a rock!

As they cowered there...

...it became apparent that the dragon was actually.....

...LAUGHING!"

Tears were rolling down his scaly face...

...and he began to hiccup hilariously!

The two rabbits found it rather infectious...

...and began to giggle themselves.

After a little while, Winky summoned up the courage to ask...

"What's so funny then? Share the joke won't you!"

"...hhheld cccaptive!......evil mmmmmonsters!" ....stammered Cecil, laughing heartily once again....

"Oh you must be JOKING!"

"NO!" said Winky and Wonky, together.

"We've seen it all on Elf's seeing stone.....and we've heard all about the thing0eating dragon called Thethil too. We're just glad we met you...not HIM!"

Cecil cracked!

He rolled around on the floor, holding what the rabbits decided must have been his ribs.

They had to duck and dive a bit, as Cecil's tail switched around and banged up against the surrounding rocks...

...causing little "pop"s of explosive sparks as it made contact.

"THETHIL......IS ME!" cackled Cecil....

..."Those Monster Kid's all lisp terribly....because of all that stitching around their mouths! Get it Th-ethil ...Cecil!"

Winky and Wonky looked at each other, not knowing whether to laugh...

...or take off and run for their lives!

"...and I suppose you've heard all that rubbish from that furry thing in pink have you?!"

"That furry thing in pink is our cousin WESLEY!" said Wonky, indignantly.

"Well" said Cecil "I think he's a bit of a fairy myself!"

Winky could see that Wonky ws about to say something they might both live to regret....

....and butted in....

"Well, quite a few folk have been heard to say something similar!"

"We'd been told that we'd have to fight YOU, in order to get out of the back of this cave into Patch 51 to rescue Wesley. Are you saying that he could have just walked through here at any time and come back...without all of this faffing around?!"

"Probably!" replied Cecil....

...."but I think the Monster Kids have enjoyed having him around....so they stopped him from going home!"

"The Crones may have had something to do with it too I suppose" he continued...

..."they are always very interested in folk who come from your side you know.....like that little elf fellow who came here some years back. Took a right liking to him they did!...and he was not all that keen to get out as I recall, although the nuggets he went back with must have pleased him an awful lot! I heard he'd set himself up in business, and that his boy took over after the old elf went for re-cycling. Bit of a prat the younger one though...or so I've heard...and a right rogue too!"

The two rabbits' ears pricked up....

"Nuggets you say....the elf went back with loads of nuggets?!"

"Oh yes!" said Cecil....

..."he could hardly carry the bags they were so heavy!"

"Well I never" whistled Wonky...

...and, turning to is brother said....

"I think we need to have a little chat brother dear, and decide just HOW we are going to play this one!"

Hellooooooooooo

2011-02-25T17:15:00.002Z

Winky tiptoed carefully towards air that seemed to be...

...an awful lot warmer than what he'd tiptoed through already.

Suddenly....

...his foot bumped into something....

....and then....

...Wonky bumped into Winky...

...making him topple onto the "something" that his foot had just found.

The "something" moved...

....well....

...writhed, more like.....

....and a slow, low voice came out of the darkness....

"Hellooooooooooooo"

Why ME!?

2011-02-19T15:23:00.009Z

It had taken over two hours to get Elf cleaned up after the exploding cake episode...

...but, even after a visit to the Quack....

...his little nose was swollen to twice it's normal size...

...and had a large hole in the side...

...where Jones' right arm had punched its way through Elf's nostril!

Troll, trying to be "upbeat" and "helpful"...

..had dared to suggest that...

...since there was a ready-made hole...

...maybe Elf should "go trendy" and have a nose stud.

Although Elf's eyes were all red and puffed...

..and he was still hiccuping and whimpering...

...he managed to find the energy to pick up a candlestick...

..and hurl it at Troll.

It landed on his foot, which made him yelp and then growl menacingly.

"I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!!" Troll yelled...

..."BLUGGER YOU THEN!!" he added, and limped out of the kitchen.

As Troll went through the hall...

...he noticed Bryn, the Post Snail waving a letter in the air.

"POST!" yelled Troll, as he stomped off down the path.

Wab got up from the table and went to collect the letter.

After a short conversation with Bryn, he returned to the kitchen...

...and handed the letter to Elf.

"Ohh!" squeaked Elf, "It's from Cry Talons.....I applied to get on their board some time back. Probably this is telling me that my application has been gratefully received. It's not every day they get the opportunity to have someone like ME on their combittee now is it?!"

But as he read the letter...

..his face fell, and he stuffed it hastily into his waistcoat pocket.

Wab looked at Elf...

...and thought that maybe this was a good time to leave.

He mumbled something about having something to do...

...and scarpered!

Elf's already swollen eyes...

...filled with tears....

Cry Talons "were not in need of his services"......."thank you very much!"

Why...

...were things not going his way again?

He put his head down on the table....

...and sobbed...

"Why ME? .....Why always ME!"

Happy Elfday Tred Elf!!!

2011-02-14T10:35:00.001Z

HAPPY ELFDAY TO YOU!!!

2011-02-12T15:10:00.011Z

Troll, Wab, Seamus and Stinker had taken a break from cave-mouth-watching...

...and had turned up at Bedelfty House...

...to find Elf in a right state over the DickyLeaks thing.

Their eyes had been like saucers...

...as they read down each page...

...and found stories about themselves...

..that pictured them in a rather un-flattering light!

Troll, especially, had been infuriated by the episodes featuring himself and Wanda.

He ground his teeth so loudly that Stinker passed him a grapefruit to suck on...

...just to shut him up.

"Let's go up the Cafe!" suggested Wab. "It'll cheer us up to have a nice lah-tay"

"You all go" sniffed Elf. "I don't feel much like going out right now"

No amount of persuading would make him change his mind...

...so the others strolled up to Town, and settled themselves into the nice, comfy leather sofas to drink their favourite coffees.

"We must do something to cheer up old Elf!" said Wab...

"Well" said Troll, "It's his Elfday tomorrow, so I suppose a lovely choccy cake would be a good idea!"

They all agreed that the cake was a great idea, and luckily for them...

...at that moment Wendy walked in and came to sit with them.

They asked her if she'd make the cake for Elf...

...and she agreed immediately, saying that she'd be glad to make it for such a cutey!

"I'll make it even MORE special for him!" said Stinker, grinning.

"I'll make a small model of that Jones the Spy, with an arrow sticking through his head..

...that I'll make pop-up when a button is pushed! "

"Now THAT'LL make him smile!" asserted Troll, slapping Stinker on the back.

"Right" said Wab. "Troll, you come with me to the works for a few crates of Rocket Lettuce Juice . We'll leave Wendy and Stinker to the cake bit, and Seamus can keep Elf out of the way until we're all ready!"

They got up to leave...

...but Wendy said "I actually came in here to find you. Have you seen Winky and Wonky, I can't find them anywhere!"

Troll and Seamus made out of the door a bit quick...

...but Wab strolled slowly and said "Oh you know what they're like....they'll be off having some adventure somewhere!"

"Hmmmm" said Wendy, looking doubtful, "I expect you lot to help me find them if they're not back soon mind!"

"No problem!" shouted Wab, as he legged it through the open door.

"Whew! THAT was close!" he thought, as he caught up with the others.

Wendy hooked her paw through Stinker's arm and said...

"Right then handsome...you come along with me, and we'll make some cake!"

The next day, all the preparations were done.

Seamus kept Elf amused while the others put up a tent in a secluded spot of the garden at Bedelfty House.

At about 1 o'clock, there was a knock at the front door...

...and to Elf's joy, he found all his friends there...

...shouting and singing "HAPPY ELFDAY TO YOU!!"

Before he could do anything....

...he found himself hoisted up onto Trolls' shoulder, and transported down the garden path.

He could see a large tent...

...and Wendy standing by a table.

Troll put him down, and Elf could see a huge cake sitting in the middle of the table.

His little face beamed!!

Stinker bounced up beside him and said...

.."Now THIS cake is VERY SPECIAL INDEED! Just press that button on the base...

...and you'll get the best surprise you've had in ages!"

Had anyone else told Elf to put himself right next to a cake...

...and then press a button...

...he'd have run a mile!

But Stinker was different.

Stinker was his friend....his VERY BEST friend, and wouldn't do anything to hurt him at all.

"Go on!" said Stinker, an eager smile on is face...."It's OK, I did it all myself!"

BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone burst into the elfday song....

...and were so busy singing that they didn't notice...

...the state of poor Elf!

...who was completely covered in blobs of sticky chocolate cake...

...and had a small model of Jones the Spy....

(complete with head-piercing arrow)

...wedged firmly up his left nostril....

"I'LL BLIDDY GET 'EM!!!"

2011-02-10T19:09:00.004Z

Elf was beside himself!

...as he sat in the kitchen ....

...with his eyes red...

...his nose even redder....

..and a pile of snotty tissues on the floor around him...

"HOW BLIDDY DARE THEY!!!!" he spluttered...

...as another sob escaped from his pouting lips...

"I'LL GET THE BLUGGERS!!!! YOU JUST WATCH ME!!! I'LL GET 'EM ALRIGHT!!!"

...and what had brought this on?...

..well...

Elf had received an elf-mail...

...that had pinged it's way into his inbox that morning...

...from A FAN!

...who lived in The Nether-regions of all places!

This "fan" was asking for a signed photo of Elf...pretty please....

Elf had slowly typed an elf-mail back to this "fan" - who was called Gretel...

...asking how the hell she'd got to find out about him.

Gretel had elf-mailed back...

....telling him that she'd been a fan for ages now...

...after coming across a story about him...

...on a website called "Dicky-leaks"...

...run by a couple of bods called "Rocky" and "Jones".

Elf had had a look on his own info-net...

..and had been incandescent with rage to find that all his secrets had been leaked...

...for EVERYONE to read about!!!!

They were all in there....

...Elf, Troll, Wab, Kimbo, Wanda, Stinker...

...ALL OF THEM....

...and all the kind of information that he'd tried so hard to keep quiet!!!!!

"I'LL GET THE BLUGGERS!!!! I'LL MAKE 'EM PAY FOR THIS!!!!" squeaked Elf....

...and promptly burst into tears again....

"Is there someone there?..."

2011-02-07T15:44:00.002Z

As Elf gloated in the kitchen at Bedelfty House....

...humming away to himself...

...and starting to plan a special party for his fast-approaching elfday....

...Winky and Wonky were beginning to feel a little "odd".

Winky bumped into something...

..kind-of scaley...

...and Wonky got a whiff of some very bad breath...

...then...

...something spoke out of the darkness...

"Is there someone there...?......I'm sure I can smell someone close by...."

"I hope they're friendly......or at least ...

...TASTY!"

...just thinking....

2011-01-29T15:20:00.010Z

While Winky and Wonky were bravely making their way into the smelly darkness...

...Elf had been escorted home...

...pushed into the shower...

...and had a clean set of clothing left for him to climb into.

(Stinker had personally seen to it that the previous set of clothes had been put into the rubbish bin...inside a well tied plastic bin liner!)

Elf, now smelling sweet...

...and looking clean...

..went down to the kitchen to make himself a pot of nettle tea.

He was quite glad that everyone else had gone back up the Mountain for a while...

...he needed a bit of time to himself...

...and...

...after he'd made his tea...

...he sat down at the table...

...just thinking...

Why was it that he always seemed to be either covered in...

...or smelling of some kind of shit?

It just wasn't fair!

Elf hit his fists on the table, making his mug jump and spill tea on the surface.

See! ...he thought...everything goes wrong these days.

But as Elf continued to mull over things...

...he heard the post drop through into the hallway.

He got up...and found a brown envelope addressed to T ELF, sitting on the mat.

He took it back to the kitchen...

...sat down...

...and promptly opened the letter.

He didn't even notice that he'd put his elbows in the tea puddle...

...as he read the contents.

"YIPPEE!!" he shouted "YIPP-BLIDDY-EEEEEEEEEEEE!"

At last!...something NICE was happening again!

The letter was notification that one of his "pet companies" had been awarded a BIG LOTTY grantee!...and a large number of nuggets it was too!

("Pet companies" were companies that Elf had a finger in...but there was no paper trail leading to him personally)

Elf was actually quite surprised....

...because there'd been a bit of bother with the last grantee they'd had.

The nuggets had been granted to do a "sculpture", and, as usual, Elf had tried to sort it that the product had a dual purpose...so that someone else sorted the work, and then the company could claim the result to fulfil the grantee conditions.

The "sculpture" had been done in Sproutville last year...for Trixxie and Troxxi's civil partnership.

A magnificent pair of copulating gerbils (mechanically enabled into the bargain)...had been scuplted out of a huge block of ice, and placed in the square in front of "Les Gerbiles", Trixxie and Troxxie's Gerbil Cuisine Restuarant.

Only problem was....

...when they got it back...

...they discovered nothing inside the crate but a bag of water!

This was no good at all...because they had to provide evidence that the project had been completed.

Luckily though....

...Wab had struck up a friendship with a bunch of Japanese rabbits who had been visiting Sproutville....

...and who had taken 274 photos of themselves...

...in various poses in front of the copulating gerbil sculpture!

Wab had therefore been able to get hold of copies of the photos...

...and they had (fortunately) satisfied the half-wits who kept giving Elf and his pet companies nuggets for projects in Town.

This time...

...they managed to get money to make a fillum...
...and all they had to do was to put them on "U-Bend" afterwards!

This was ideal!...as he knew the Bunnywood rabbits were going to be making a fillum of Ness of the Bunnyvilles later this year!

The nuggets that they'd been granted were WAY more than what would REALLY be needed...

...but, as usual...

...most of the nuggets were used to provide a salaries for friends of friends of friends in the troll community!

Things were indeed looking up!

Maybe...

...things would even stay good between now and next year too...

...when Elf was still hoping to gain a seat on the Gwendy Bent Combittee.

He'd paid over some nuggets to Forky...

...a well-respected member of the Red Scarf Department of Dirty Tricks...

...who'd been doing quite a good job rubbishing the reputations of the Striped Scarves...

The little striped-scarf elf who stood in Elf's way, had been put in such awkward positions that Elf felt SURE that he'd take the seat next time.

He had a whole year to put things properly in place....

...and a whole year to get even more nuggets in his Bogielays account.

One little cloud was lurking on the horizon at the minute though....

Another company that he'd previously been associated with was now in it'ss death-throes....

....and he was expecting more than a bit of bother when folks found out that he'd not only been getting rentees out of it...

...but that he'd had a number of his own properties renovated with nuggets from the (now) sinking vessel!

Never mind....

...he always got away with it in the end.....

Elf grinned to himself...

"Bent as a bronze plated nugget!"

...had been what his Old Dad had called him...

...can you smell that?...

2011-01-25T11:20:00.003Z

The two brave young rabbits inched their way forward...

...into the darkness at the back of the cave....

Things were getting a little awkward....

...as their breathing was misting-up the inside of their headgear...

Before long, it became necessary to wriggle their paws up ....

...so that they could wipe the steamed-up plastic visors....

..then the rivulets ran down their arms and tickled as it did so.

"This is a right pain!" said Winky...

"Too right!" agreed Wonky..."...think the visor's gonna have to come off!"

"Isn't that DANGEROUS!?" asked Winky

"Nah!...think about it...Stinker didn't have a full visor did he....he just had netting stuff..." said Wonky...

"Ahhhh....so the air won't do us any harm then.." came Winky's response...

...and with that...

...they both removed the plastic visors from the front of their headgear.

Both rabbits found that they were holding their breath...

...and then, with an agreeing nod...

...they let go, breathed deeply, and waited to see what happened....

Nothing.....

...but they became aware of a strange odour that was surrounding them...

"Can you smell that?" asked Winky...

"Mmmmmmm....wonder what's making THAT stench?" replied Wonky...

"Well, maybe we're gonna find out soon...." they said together...

...and carefully crept towards the very back of the cave.....

"I'M RIGHT WITH YOU MAN!"

2011-01-15T15:37:00.006Z

Santa's aim had been spot-bliddy-on!

Despite the fact that Troll was sat just a couple of feet from Elf...

...he only had a few bits of the dreaded brown stuff on him...

...whereas Elf...

...was COMPLETELY UP TO HIS NECK in it!!!

Everyone had moved away from Elf as they'd heard Santa shout down from his sleigh...

...and now Troll rolled over and crawled to a safe distance.

The smell was awful!

Poor Elf could do nothing but sit there...

...up to his neck in reindeer shit...

...and sob like a baby.

Some of the elf children were laughing their little striped socks off....

...but a few volunteered to help Stinker to dig out the (now) bawling Elf from his smelly prison.

"It's just NOT FAIR!" squeaked the distraught Elf...

..."He's NEVER going to let me forget that silver pudding nugget episode is he?!"

"Well Old Boy" said Wab, still holding his nose...

.."It WAS rather naughty of you wasn't it?.....and VERY unthoughtful!"

Elf scowled back at the rabbit...

...and poked-out his tongue at Wab's back as he turned towards Winky and Wonky.

"Now then you two...your big opportunity has arrived!"

"How come?" asked Winky....

"Yeah!...we're risking our whiskers by going in there. How do you make out it's a big opportunity?" continued Wonky.

"You'll be the first rabbits EVER...to go into the Patch voluntarily! You might find all sorts of treasures in there...remember...Patch 51 is where all our nuggets actually come from!" said Wab, importantly.

"How do you know that?" asked the two young rabbits (together)...

"Elf's Old Dad wrote it in his diary...all about what goes on over there...with the c......OUCH!"

Troll had pinched Wab's backside really hard, before he gave away too much...

...and frightened the youngsters so much that they might change their minds about going in.

"Never mind about all that now Wab!" shouted Troll over Wab's wimpers...

"Let's get you all togged up and ready for action shall we?"

Troll and Wab helped Winky and Wonky into their specially adapted bee-keeping suits.

"Are you SURE that these will give enough protection?" queried Wonky.

"Oh They're FINE!" piped-up Stinker. "I did them myself. Tested them up to 500 degrees, which is what I understand dragon fire to reach!"

Although the two young rabbits were a bit apprehensive about their trip...

...there was also a degree of eager anticipation about going into the "unknown" as it were.

They'd had to keep very quiet about it all, because their mother, Wendy, would have had forty fits if she'd known what they were up to.

She'd also have had Wab's guts for garters if she'd found out that he'd been the one to put them up to it too!

Winky and Wonky punched each others paws as they turned towards the cave mouth...

Everyone else stuck their thumbs in the air...

..and had fixed lop-sided grins on their faces as they shouted their good wishes and pledges of support if help was required.

All Elf could manage was a loud hiccup...

...as his thumbs were both stuck firmly to his other fingers....

(until he had a shower).

"OFF WE GO BROTHER!" shouted Winky...

...."I'M RIGHT WITH YOU MAN!" replied Wonky...

...and the two brave rabbits disappeared into the cave.....

Ho Ho Hoooooooooooooooooooo!

2010-12-24T17:18:00.006Z

Elf and Troll were totally out of it...

..what with the force of the blast...

...that had propelled them backwards at the speed of light....

...and the effects of the "Dragon Breath"...

(albeit somewhat lessened because of being ignited so spectacularly)

...they could offer no coherent reply to anything Wab asked of them.

The older rabbit turned to Winky and Wonky and began to say something...

...when they heard a whooping sound coming from inside the cave.

Stinker emerged...

...jumping and hopping ...

...and waving his collection jar...

...which was now full of "Dragon Breath"!

The dial on his meter had gone completely off the scale!

...and so had Stinker's joy!

"I've got it!" he screeched. "Genuine Dragon Breath! Oh my!...how this is going to make the best ever stink bombs the world has ever encountered!"

The three rabbits looked at the elf as if he'd gone stark staring mad.

Stinker pulled off his head covering and beamed at everyone...

...just as Seamus and the other "Tiddly Tourists" appeared on the scene.

"We heard some kind of explosion!" gasped Seamus...

...and then his eyes lighted on Elf and Troll.

Everyone else looked at the two smouldering friends...

...and (not just a few) elf children began to snigger.

"Is SOMEONE going to tell me just WHAT has happened here?!" demanded Seamus...

..."and WHERE is Ninnypug!"

At the sound of his name...

...Ninnypug appeared from the mouth of the cave ...

...his backside smoking...

...but with a happy look on his face.

Considering that his mouth was full of mushrooms..

...that was no surprise.

Wab began to relate what he knew..

...but reminded them all that he didn't know exactly what had happened inside the cave.

Seamus turned to Stinker...

"YOU were in there! What happened?!"

Stinker had to relate what he'd been doing...

...collecting "Dragon Breath" for his Stink-bomb business...

...and had to admit that he had no idea what had happened to Elf and Troll...

...as they'd been behind him.

"But...are you saying that we've found the dragon!?" asked Wab, his eyes wide as saucers...

"Oh Yes!" replied Stinker, "It's in the back of the cave"

Wab turned to Winky and Wonky...

..."Right you two....get yourselves ready to go in there...Wesley should be somewhere on the other side by now, all being well!"

The two young rabbits looked at the state of Elf and Troll...

...and said that they would only go in if they had some kind of protective clothing like Stinker had had.

Wab turned to Stinker and asked if there were any more suits available...

...Stinker said that there were a couple more down in is shed...

...and went off back down the mountain to retrieve them.

"We may as well start the pic-nic proper...until he comes back at least" said Wab..

...and everyone helped to get the food sorted...

...and then began to tuck in heartily.

Before long though...

...the evening began to close in...

...and the first stars began to appear in the slowly darkening sky.

Some of the elf children were getting excited...

...and looked up eagerly to see if there was any sign of "HIM"...

They didn't have to wait too much longer...

...for just as Stinker returned with the bee suits for Winky and Wonky...

...there was a loud shout...

...as everyone saw the bright trail across the night sky...

...and the sound of tinkling bells.

"It's Santa!" the children shouted "He's coming!"

Way up above.....

...from his vantage point in his sleigh...

...Santa could see the crowd down below...

He got out his telescope to try to find the one he was looking for...

...the one marked out for a "Very Special Delivery"...

"Ah! I see you, you little devil!" he muttered...

..as he took hold of a lever behind his seat.

The lever gave a bit of a squeak...

...as Santa pulled it...

...and released the contents of the "Very Special Compartment" that had been built into the underside of the sleigh.

"Bombs awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" roared Santa as half a ton of reindeer droppings...

...made their way to earth...

...destined to land...

...on top of the still smouldering Elf!...

"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU THIEVING LITTLE GIT!" came the call from the departing sleigh...

...followed by a very loud ....

"Ho Ho Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

..."..Where's STINKER??!!"...

2010-12-13T17:17:00.003Z

The three rabbits hopped their way back up the Mountain.

"Are we getting close to rescuing Wesley now?" asked Winky.

"I bliddy-well hope so!" said Wab, "I managed to get a message to him through Elf's seeing stone last week. He's been told to keep and eye open for activity on his side of the cave, so when we get through he'll be nearby"

"We better hope we've got the right cave then" said Wonky. "Who's going in by the way?"

Wab averted his eyes, and said "...well....we sort-of thought that you two might want a bit of adventure like...."

Winky and Wonky stopped dead in their tracks...

"WE thought that prat Kimbo was going in...after all his farting about in that stupid suit of armour and all!" said Winky.

"Yeah" said Wonky "If it's dangerous, why should WE do it?"

"Oh! It's not DANGEROUS!" soothed Wab...

...."Stinker is going to take out the Dragon, and then it'll be a piece of lettuce afterwards!"

The two young rabbits looked at each other...

...and went into a huddle.

Wab looked on , nibbling his paws...

...until they turned around and said "OK! We'll do it....but you'd better make it worth our while afterwards!"

"Like HOW?" queried Wab, nervously (if it meant parting with nuggets...)

"We want to be partners in the business" said Winky

..."...and share bonuses etc" piped up Wonky immediately afterwards.

Wab thought about it...briefly...

...and with his toes crossed behind his back said "Alright then!"

The rabbits then continued upwards until they reached the mouth of the cave.

Winky and Wonky looked aghast at all the elf children lying stiff with their legs in the air.

"What happened to them?!" asked Winky, looking nervous again.

"Must have been something they ate..." answered Wab, toes still crossed.....

"No it wasn't!!" shouted Wonky, "Wendy prepared ALL that food and it was ABSOLUTELY FINE!!"

"Ahhhh....well....they had sweeties on the bus.." said Wab, thinking frantically...

He was saved from any more questions by a movement near the cave mouth...

Inside, Stinker was peering at his meter through the visor of his head-gear...

...nothing...

He tapped the box, just in case the needle was stuck....

...still nothing.

Then, he gave a yell as he stubbed his toe on a sharp piece of jutting-out rock..

Somewhere in the dark in front of him...

...Stinker could hear a sound of something very large...

...shifting around...

...and...

...yawning...

Cecil had been woken from a very long and deep snooze....

...and as he shifted his weight to stand up...

...there came the blowing sound of a VERY VERY LARGE RASPBERRY!

Stinker couldn't believe his eyes...

...as the meter started to move...

...then went right off the scale...

...he immeditely started to fumble in his bag for the special "Dragon Breath Gathering Jar" he'd put in there especially for this purpose.

Meanwhile...

...just outside...

...Elf and Troll...

...somewhat groggy after their fairy dart experience...

...were crawling closer and closer towards the darkness...

Troll was trying to scoot away a load of butterflies that seemed immensely attracted to his ears...

.....while Elf was fumbling in his pocket for something.

They managed to get behind some small rocks, about 20 feet into the cave...

...when they felt the air move...

...following a very loud THHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sound...

"What was THAT!?" said Troll, his eyes wide...

..."bliddy good thing though...it's gotten rid of those pesky butterflies!..."

"Dunno" said Elf, "but hang on just a mo...I've found it now..."

"Found what?" asked Troll...

"Lighter" said Elf...

...and flicked the wheel...

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

...the world turned upside down...

...and a few minutes later...

...Wab, Winky and Wonky...

..came across the two friends...

...flat on their backs...

...their clothes in tatters....

...and with smoke coming out of their earholes....

"WHAT THE 'ELL HAPPENED 'ERE!?" shouted Wab...

..."...and WHERE'S STINKER??!!"

..."there's somethin' rumblin' up there!"

2010-12-10T14:09:00.001Z

As soon as Wab felt the earth move …

...he was off like a shot...

...back to where he'd left Winky and Wonky...

...but the two young rabbits were nowhere to be found.

Wab shouted and shouted.

No reply.

So he decided to make his way down to Town...

...where he was sure to find someone who could come and help.

As he rounded the corner and came upon the Market Circle...

..a right-royal-riot was underway!

He could see Winky and Wonky looking worried...

...and trying their best to calm folks down.

They didn't seem to be succeeding.....

Wab hopped over to them and hissed...

“What the bliddy 'ell's goin' on 'ere! You should be up on the Mountain...

...we've got somethin' 'appenin' up there...that need's attention! Urgent!”

“Got something happening here too!” came the reply from Winky...

...”Yes!” added Wonky, “The Townsfolk are really miffed about these Christmas Lights that Tred and Troll's Combittee have put up!”

“Folks are on about the colour! They don't like it! ….

….and they didn't like the stripey-legged Santa either.....nor the sleigh...

...they said the reindeer were galloping too fast and they couldn't keep up.”

“...and they say that Santa's beard was like half-shaved bumfluff!” added Winky, waggling his chin wickedly.

“Oh for Goodness' sake” shouted Wab. “We can't be doin' with this NOW!...

…..get yourselves back up to the Caves....

..there's somethin' rumblin' up there!...

..."Getting anything now?..."

2010-12-09T16:21:00.002Z

Stinker was all togged up in his bee-keeping suit....

..specially adapted to be fire retardant.

One never knows when a stray spark may ignite what is affectionately now known as...

....“Dragon Breath”!

Unbeknownst to Stinker of course....

...was the fact that his adapted bee-keeping suit ...

...was also impermeable to Fairy Darts!

He actually had hundreds of the things stuck in the fabric...

...but they weren't getting through to touch his skin at all.

The Fairies were hopping mad...

...and tried to rush forward and fell the big white object...

... that was blundering through their mushroom caves.

Of course, it was useless...

..and, sadly, a few of them were squashed by Stinker's booted feet.

(When fairies are no longer with us...they then become visible to elf eyes. The number that were squashed by Stinker, would later be gathered up by some of the elf children, mounted in specimen boxes, and traded for quite vast sums of nuggets on E-Boy, a famous elf auction site.)

Stinker was frantically trying to fiddle with the dials on his “Smellometer”...

...but was baffled by the fact that absolutely nothing was being detected.

From his position of relative safety outside the cave mouth...

...Wab shouted again. “Getting anything now?”

“Not a whiff!” shouted Stinker in reply...

...and then froze on the spot...

...as the ground beneath his feet began to rumble....

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2010-12-05T16:46:00.002Z

...........ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................

...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

"Can you see anything?"

"Nope!"

"Can you SMELL anything?"

"Dunno yet....."

....chwmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

.......Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh??...............

.........wassaa noise!?.............

"It MUST be THE DRAGON!!"

2010-12-02T14:42:00.003Z

Elf and Troll had only been in their odd positions for a few minutes...

...when Stinker and his group of young elves came around an outcrop of rocks.

Stinker could feel his little heart skip a beat...

..as he rushed over to check on his friends.

They were as stiff as boards...

….but still breathing.

He tried speaking to them....

...asking questions...

..but got no response whatsoever.

The elf children gambolled around laughing at the way Elf and Trolls legs were stuck up in the air.

Stinker needed time to think...

“OK kids!” he shouted “I want four of you to go back down to the picnic spot...

...and bring our picnic stuff up here. Tell Wab and the others about these two, and they'll sort things out. We'll have our nosh up here, and wait to see what happens!”

Stinker was both worried and excited.

Worried to see Elf and Troll in such a state...

..but excited because of what may have happened to them.

He had brought a rather large rucksack...

...with his “smell gathering kit” inside.

As soon as he'd heard about the dragon and his evil gases, he'd made up his mind to gather what he could...

...and then use it to make even more evil stinkbombs!

Once a stinkbomber......ALWAYS a stinkbomber!!!

He took out his meter and began to wander around near the mouth of the nearest cave.

Nothing!

Before he could do much more, he heard noises coming up the slope.

Wab's ears came into view...

...so Stinker put his meter away, and went back to where everyone was now poking and prodding the two stiffies on the grass.

“Get the picnic stuff going” hissed Stinker...

“We need to keep the kids occupied while I go and check for dragon evidence”

“You really think there's one nearby do you?” asked Wab, his eyes warily scanning the area near the cave mouth.

“There must be!” said Stinker “Just LOOK at the pair of them!”

“They'll be really peed-off when they come 'round!” said Wab, grinning...

...”just look at that swarm of butterflies trying to bonk Troll's ears!”

Stinker turned to look....

...it was true...

...you could hardly see the troll's head for frantic flapping butterflies...

...all of them jostling to get onto a bare patch.

“He looks like a bunch of flowers” said Stinker, a smile beginning to spread across his face....

“You're right Wab. They won;t be pleased when they hear about THIS little episode...and especially when those pictures are made public!”

They both looked at a number of elves babbling around the spectacle snapping pictures like mad.

The picnic had just been laid out...

...when there was a bit of a commotion behind a clump of bushes.

Some of the elf children began to scream...

...as something came crashing through into the clearing.

“Ninnypug!” shouted Stinker. “Where did you come from?...and where have you been?”

Ninnypug, being Ninnypug, did not answer...

...but snuggled up to Stinker waiting to be tickled.

Before Stinker could catch hold of the trailing lead, however....

...the Ninnypug gave a loud shriek...

...and took off in the direction of the cave mouth.

One of the elf children shouted....

“Hey!! Let's follow that thing and see what's made it all excited!”

They all took off....

...leaving Stinker and Wab staring after them...

...open mouthed.

“We'd better follow them to make sure they don't get into trouble” said Stinker after a little while...

..and he and Wab made their way after the whooping group of youngsters.

The sounds of enjoyment....

...soon turned into yelps of pain though.....

...and....

...one by one...

...the elf children came staggering out of the cave....

...only to fall on the ground...

...roll over...

...and go stiff with their legs in the air....

"The DRAGON!" screeched Stinker....

..."It MUST BE THE DRAGON!!"

"We're off up to the Mountain....."

2010-11-10T17:06:00.006Z

"HOW THE BLIDDY 'ELL DO YOU MAKE THEM SHUT UP!!!" screeched Elf...

..as he took his seat at the front of the old trolley.

"SOMEONE 'AD BETTER DO SOMETHING ABOUT 'EM OR I'LL BE STRANGLIN' ONE OF THE LITTLE GITS!!!" he continued into Stinker's earhole.

"Now, now Elf"...said Stinker, "They're just a bit wound up after the firey works last night....and being excited 'cos they're going on a trip!"

BANG!!!! BANG!!!

POP!!! POP!!!

CRACK!!! CRACK!!!

FIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ FIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Elf dived under the seat as fireworks were set off by a young elf in the back row....

...but emerged again to go and grab the youngster by the back of his collar and begin to haul him down the aisle towards the door.

"You let my littl'un go! You big bully!" squeaked the young elf's mother...

...who then stood up and did a pretty good job of boxing Elf's ears for him.

The trolley erupted in laughter...

...and Elf ended up having to get back to his seat, looking very red in the face, with everyone having a sly dig as he passed their seats.

"Boostards!" he hissed in Stinker's ear...

..."I'll get 'em afterwards...just you see!"

"They're only KIDS!" said Stinker, soothingly, "Don't get nasty with them, you're going to be wanting them to part with nuggets AND information later on!"

"Hummpf!" snorted the disgruntled Elf...

...and he then settled back into his seat as Miss Trippy began her welcome speech, and introduction to the history of Magick Mushroomes on the Mountain.

This was obviously a VERY INTERESTING SUBJECT...

...because everyone on the trolley went quiet and listened intently.

They even bunced-up bagsful of nuggets for Tiddly Tours Official Magick Mushroome Collection Bags to store the delicacies that they were sure they were going to find.

As the trolley pulled away...

...the passengers all began to sing...

"Oh! We're off up to the Mountain

our Mushroomes all to find

And when we all do find 'em

we'll eat until we're blind"

The words became a bit fuzzy, as Elf began to snooze...

He was having quite a nice little dream...

...until the kid behind was sick over his shoulder.

"Dirty little GIT!" yelled Elf ..."You were supposed to use your sick bag!"

"I didn't have one" said the little elf....her bottom lip quivering...and big tears welling up in her eyes...

"Well THERE'S ONE!" shouted Elf...

...and stuck one over her head.

Stinker immediately jumped up and removed the bag...

....and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the little elf from crying.

When he got back into his own seat besides Elf, he said ...

"You really should try to be a little bit nicer to these kids Elf! They've paid good nuggets to come on this trip and some of them don't get a day out that often you know!"

"Hummpf" was the only reply, as Elf was trying to scrape his waistcoat clean.

The trolley soon pulled up on the Mountain...

...and everyone got out to be met by Seamus, Troll, Wab, Winky and Wonky.

Picnic blankets were all laid out ready for them...

...and a delicious looking feast was being set out.

"We'll all spread out in groups across the Mountain to look for the Mushroomes..." said Miss Trippy...

..."and each group will take it in turns to go into the Caves"

The passengers were divided into 5 groups of 10 each...

...and each group trooped off led by Wab, Winky, Wonky, Seamus and Stinker.

Troll and Elf followed a little distance behind.

"Bliddy kids!" whispered Elf to Troll. "I don't want to be walking with them...let's stay behind and do our own thing."

"We'll have to anyway" said Troll "seein' as we're in charge of the Ninnypug!"

"I'd forgotten about that creature!" sniffed Elf "Where is he anyway?"

"Behind that clump of bushes there" said Troll, pointing up a narrow path...

"We'll go and get him, and then follow the path up the hill a way. Any idea where it leads?"

"Hmmm" said Elf "I think this one goes up towards the small caves..."

"That's ok then" said Troll...

..."we won't be meeting any of the groups for a while yet!"

They untied the excited Ninnypug, and set off uphill at a fair old pace...

...with the creatures nose snuffling the ground avidly.

By the time they got to the top, both Troll and Elf were right out of breath.

"Hold on a bit old thing!" gasped Troll to the Ninnypug...

...but the creature was on a mission now...

...he'd got the scent of Mushroomes...

...and dragged the two friends into the nearest cave.

"Intruders from the south!"

"Get ready girls!"

"Take aim!"

"Fire!!!!"

"Ouch!" yelled Elf...

..."What's the matter?!" asked Troll turning to look at his friend...

"Something stung the back of my leg!" said Elf..

"Ouch!.....there!.....it did it again!"

"Well there's no nettles or anything", said Troll looking around....

"Ouch!"

"I felt it then!"

"Ouch!"

"What's goin' on?!"

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" screamed the Ninnypug...

...as it came across a large clump of mushroomes....

"Ouch!"

"Ouch!"

...yelled Elf and Troll...

...as they were hit time and time again by the invisible fairy darts....

The Ninnypug snuffled away contentedly...

as Elf and Troll...

...began to feel a wee bitty "odd"...

They staggered around for a few minutes...

...talking absolute gibberish....

..and giggling like a pair of fools...

...before they fell on their backs...

...arms and legs stiff in the air...

...like pair of dying flies!

...positions girls!...

2010-10-31T17:27:00.003Z

"They're on their way!"

"..positions girls!"

"...bows at the ready!"...

"...and take NO prisoners!"

"...every dart must count!"

...the rumble of an old trolley....

2010-10-26T17:08:00.005+01:00

The morning of the first Tiddly Tour dawned bright, warm and cheerful...

...well it was cheerful for Elf anyway...

...'cos he'd just had another confirmation letter about one of his grantees.

"What's this one for then?" asked Stinker, seeing Elf's happy little face.

"To help folk set up businesses, and get them into empty shops." replied Elf...

..."and, of course, those empty shops will be ones owned by ME..."

..."...so I get all the rentees too!"

"So...." said Stinker...

..."...you get nuggets for getting folks to start a business...

...then MORE nuggets from rentees they pay to you..."

"That's quite a few nuggets isn't it?"

"Oh YES!" said Elf, "..and I can get even more by offering a secretarial service too!"

"Who's doing that then?" asked Stinker.

"Wendy of course" replied Elf...

"she's REALLY good at that kind of thing....and filling in applications for grantees...

...and writing books and stuff too"

"Books?" queried Stinker...

"Erm...Yes...well....phamplets and the like...You know...." stammered Elf...

...hoping that Stinker would be put off the track a bit....

"What are phamplets?"

"Ummm.....not quite sure...." said Elf...

..."but she said she could do them..."

There was a noise in the hallway...

...and Troll, Wab, and Miss Trippy appeared in the kitchen.

"Are we all ready for our first outing then?" shouted Troll, looking quite excited.

"You comin' then?" asked Wab. "I thought you lot didn't want anything to do with our picnic!"

"Brought my own rolls!" said Troll, patting his fat pockets.

"Humpf!" huffed Wab, who then turned to Elf...

"Hope this all goes to plan....Seamus and the Ninnypug are in position near the Caves....

...and we'll all be keeping a sharp eye on anything that anyone finds that might give us a clue as to the way into the Patch"

"Such as..." said Stinker.

"Well, I'm assuming there'll be some kind of weird smells..." said Wab, thoughtfully...

..."given that the dragon is supposed to fart like nothing else on earth!"

"Does he REALLY!" said Stinker ...

..."makes REALLY BAD smells like?"

"Oh Yes! According to Wesley, who has researched this very carefully....

...one of his farts can knock folks out for quite some time!"

Stinker dropped the dishcloth and grabbed his backpack.

"I'm just off to my shed for a few bits and pieces" he said...

...and disappeared out of the back door...

...just as the rumble of an old trolley could be heard outside...

...poison darts!...

2010-10-20T18:24:00.006+01:00

Fairy #43...

.....said to Fairy # 378

"You've heard the news then?...."

"Sure have!" came the reply...

..."..and I've ordered us 100 gross of poison darts!"

"Which sort?" asked Fairy # 76 (who'd just come into the ring)

"The ones that make folks sneeze....

...then fall over stiff for an hour or so!"

"Great stuff!" said Fairy #835 (who'd also just appeared)

"Our group will start organizing ready for distribution......"

"......We'll teach those critters not to mess with our mushrooms!"

"THIS IS WAR!!!!!!!" came the united response.....

....more Fairy Darts...

2010-10-19T13:48:00.002+01:00

Fairy #1...

...said to Fairy #2...

"We'd better get the word out...

...there's trouble brewing here!"

"I think you're right! came the reply...

..."and maybe we need to get in more supplies of darts?!"

..a REALLY good Lah-tay....

2010-10-15T16:53:00.005+01:00

They grabbed what mushrooms they could from the NinnyPugs mouth...

...and ran back...

... to where Elf was struggling to pull himself out of the sticky cow pat.

"FINE BUNCH OF FRIENDS YOU ARE!!!" he spat...

..."LEAVING ME STUCK IN THIS SHIT 'COS ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS THEM DAMNED MUSHROOMS!!!"

Wab pulled up the wheelbarrow and checked it was still alright after it's little adventure...

..while Troll and Seamus grabbed hold of Elf...

...and hauled him back into his chariot.

Stinker was consoling the NinnyPug...

...who was more than a little miffed after having his lunch snatched from out of his jaws.

They trundled back down the mountain...

..pleased with their fungi foray...

...but holding their noses because of the smell of Elf...

..who was not happy at all!

He was even less happy...

..when...

..as they got into the garden at Bedelfty House...

...troll turned on the hose pipe...

...and sprayed Elf with freezing cold water...

...until every last trace of cow pat was gone.

Poor Elf shivered and sobbed pitifully...

...as Stinker took him inside to dry him off...

..and helped him get changed into clean clothes.

When they came back into the kitchen...

...Wab said "Well, after your mis-adventures this morning...

..how about we take you up Town for a treat!"

"Where would you like to go?" asked Stinker, putting his hand gently on Elf's shoulder.

"That new coffee shop!" said Elf, perking up a bit now he had all the attention again.

"I've heard they do a really good lah-tee in there!"

"Lah-TAY! Old boy" corrected Wab. "It's called a Lah-TAY"

"Yes! Well!...one of THEM!" said Elf.

Wab used the telling phone to get Winky and Wonky to come with the trolley to take them up Town.

He didn't think Elf would appreciate being transported in the wheelbarrow again.

They were dropped off in the High Street...

...right outside the coffee shop...

...and with a bit of help...

...Elf was soon settled on one of the comfy leather sofas.

Drinks were ordered...

...and after a short while...

..they were all happily sipping their various choices.

"This is REALLY GOOD!" squeaked Elf...

...a huge ring of froth around his mouth...

..."We should come here more often!"

"Well, I DO try to visit now and again" said Troll...puffing out his chest...

.."...seein' as I'm in charge of Tred and Troll's Combittee like..."

Elf's eyes narrowed...

...and he leaned forward to hiss in Troll's oversized ear...

"YOU may HOLD the chain old boy...

..but just remember...

...I'M the one who PULLS it!"

...fairy darts...

2010-10-15T16:44:00.006+01:00

"Hey! That's amazin'!" cried Troll...

..as he spotted the number of magic mushrooms growing on the pat.

"Get them into the bag...quick!...before the NinnyPug eats them all" shouted Wab, grabbing the paper bag out of Seamus's hands.

"Stinker!...Get a hold of the Pug and calm him down...while we gather those beauties...

...then you can let him go to find more of them!" said Seamus, going to help Troll and Wab fill the bag.

No sooner was the job done...

..than the NinnyPug was off again...

...and...

..almost immediately found another large clump of the delicacies.

Seamus, Stinker, Wab and Troll...

...had a little more difficulty getting the mushrooms into the bag this time though...

...as they came under attack from fairy darts! (...think about that one :-)))

It took them quite a while to bag the mushrooms...

..and then to extract the tiny points from various parts of their bodies.

The NinnyPug wasted no time though...

...and was off again snuffling after even more mushrooms...

When they caught up with him..

..Wab turned and said...

"Where's Elf .....?"

They all looked around...

...and then at each other.

"Bliddy 'ell" shouted Troll...

"We only went and left 'im back there in that cow pat!"

WASSSSAMARRA!

2010-10-14T18:41:00.005+01:00

They all trooped off in the direction of open land...

...further up the mountain.

Troll was cussing a bit though...

..as he'd been the one left to push the wheelbarrow...

...containing the temporarily-disabled Elf.

"How much do you weigh?!!" puffed Troll, sweating conkers...

"..considerin' you'm only a skinny-lookin' thing...

...you don' 'arf feel a 'ell-a-ver load!"

Elf looked back at Troll with a withering expression on his face...

"It REALLY is not polite to ask ANYONE how much they weigh...

...especially when it's a lot less than YOU!"

(At this point there are two sides of the story...Troll's version is that he ACCIDENTALLY hit a stone and thus the wheelbarrow tipped sideways....causing Elf to make contact with the ground....Elf's version is that Troll DELIBERATELY tipped him out of the wheelbarrow in order to get him back for being cheeky!)

Whichever version is actually true...

...Elf ended up on the ground...

...and Troll marched off refusing to push "that cheeky boostard anywhere else except over the cliff edge!".

Wab took over the handlebars after Elf had been reinstated in his traveling position....

...and after a short while...

...they came to a likely looking area to begin the Magick Mushroome Hunt.

Seamus unpacked his "Mushroom Hunting Machine" (MHM patent pending)...

...and turned it on.

It began to make high-pitched sounds...

...that sent the NinnyPug all of a twitter....

...and made him start running about.

Seamus said something to Stinker...

...who was now a great friend and soother of the NinnyPug...

...and who now tied the end of his lead to the front of the wheelbarrow.

Seamus fiddled with the machine as Stinker stroked the NinnyPug...

..and eventually, the MHM became silent.

Seamus fixed his eyes on the dial...

...and began to walk off in the direction of some bracken...

Wab, Troll and Stinker followed...

...leaving Elf snoozing in the wheelbarrow...

...and the NinnyPug snoozing in front of it.

They wandered round and round...

...but after a couple of hours, it became very obvious that the machine had a vital flaw...

..it couldn't find any mushrooms!

"I just don't understand it" said Seamus, shaking his head. "I was SURE this would do the job!"

"Maybe it needs to be tuned in to the right kind of vibes" volunteered Stinker.

"If it's never been anywhere near a magic mushroom, then how does it know what to look for?"

"Brilliant!" said Seamus, looking appraisingly at Stinker. "How do I get one then?"

"I'll go and ask one of the kids!" said Wab...

..and hopped off at break-neck speed down the mountain.

He was back in less than 10 minutes with a small paper bag containing fresh magic mushrooms.

"Who had them then?" asked Troll...

..."Never you mind", came the reply from the rabbit, tapping his nose and winking.

Seamus put his machine up against the bag...

..and began fiddling with the knobs again.

Nothing.

Not a squeak.

Nothing.

"I just don't get it!" shouted the leprechaun, getting a bit wound up now...

.."What is it with these bliddy things?! I've NEVER had a machine that didn't work before!"

As he turned the box over to undo the back...

...he dropped the bag on the ground...

..right under the nose of the sleeping NinnyPug.

The creature woke up with a start...

...sniffed the bag...

...and went daft...

..snuffling...

..and trying to get at the delicious smelling mushrooms inside.

Seamus, Stinker, Troll and Wab...

..all looked at NinnyPug in amazement.

Stinker spoke first.

"He seems to have a liking for these things" said the elf. "I wonder if he can find more of them?"

Stinker took a mushroom and dropped it behind the NinnyPug...

..who immediately turned around to get it.

Wab took one a few yards away...

...and the NinnyPug went for that too...

"Hey!UP!" shouted Troll, "The NINNYPUG is a mushroom finding machine!"

"Don't let him have the lot" said Stinker, "We need to let him have the smell, then set him off to find more!"

Seamus emptied the bag...

...and put it on the NinnyPug's soft nose...

...where it sniffed and sniffed and sniffed...

...sighing joyfully to itself.

Stinker then whispered...

"Now then...you go and find us some more of those things!"

The NinnyPug may have looked a dozy creature...

...but it understood the order very well indeed...

..and took off in the direction of a clump of trees...

..that were about 250 lead's-length away from where the group were standing...

Before anyone could do anything about it...

....the wheelbarrow containing the sleeping Elf...

..shot off after the galloping NinnyPug.

"WASSAMARRA!" squeaked Elf...

...as he bounced around wildly...

"HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!"

There was nothing that could be done ...

..except to watch helplessly as the wheelbarrow bumped into the distance.

When they all caught up with the happily-snuffling NinnyPug...

...they found a large patch of Magick Mushroomes...

...growing in a VERY large cow pat...

...in the middle of which...

..could be seen the tip and bell...

...of Elf's hat...

..with the tips of his ears just showing below...

"Bliddy creature..."

2010-10-06T14:59:00.004+01:00

Everyone gave a hand..

..to get Elf and the NinnyPug out of the garden pond.

They managed to unwind Elf's hands from the NinnyPug's fur...

...and took him back indoors, where, luckily, the kitchen fire was still roaring.

Troll bundled up all the wet clothing...

..and hung them out on the line.

Stinker got a blanket..

....put it around Elf...

...and then made a pot of nettle tea.

Seamus was trying to console the NinnyPug...

..who, strangely...

..was trying to get back into the water!

Eventually, Seamus lost his grip on the soggy creature...

...and NinnyPug flopped into the pond...

..stuck his snout under the water...

..snuffled and snorted around for a while...

..before triumphantly coming out...

...with the golf ball in his mouth!

"Well I be!" grinned Seamus...

..."so it wasn't Elf pulling your fur that made you bolt then..."

..and the NinnyPug dropped the ball at Seamus's feet for him to throw it for him.

Stinker went upstairs to get a clean, dry set of clothing for Elf...

..whose teeth had at last stopped chattering with the cold.

"Bliddy creature!" he spat. "I'm NEVER riding that ....that...THING ...again!"

Troll and Wab looked at each other...

..and Wab said...

"OK Old Boy..."

..."We'll push you in the wheel barrow instead!"

Elf's face was a picture of contempt...

..but then he said...

"Well...just as long as I can have cushions!"

So...

...cushions it was...

...and the mushroom machine testing trip was underway...

..albeit a little later than first planned...

WOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

2010-10-04T19:00:00.005+01:00

"Ride!" spat Elf...

.."What d'you mean RIDE?....Ride WHAT?"

Stinker, however,

...had left the tray and the bedroom...

...AND Elf....

..wondering what the hell he was talking about!

"Damned elf's gone mad!" thought Elf. "Ride indeed! The very idea! Really!"

After eating everything that was on the tray...

...and calling for Stinker to come and help him downstairs...

..Elf appeared in the kitchen...

...where Wab, Troll, and Seamus were waiting to go on the machine testing jaunt.

Elf hobbled to a chair and plopped himself down with a "Humpf!"

"I told him he'd have to ride!" said Stinker, looking at Seamus...

"No problem at all me old fella" said Seamus...

..and pulled a kind of halter thing out of his pocket.

Elf looked at it with wide eyes...

"I DO NOT RIDE!!!" he screeched "NO!"

"Oh YES you DO old boy "said Troll, grinning...

...as he moved around the table to pick Elf up from his seat.

Seamus disappeared outside to the front garden...

..and the others could hear him talking gently ...

...as he fastened the harness.

Troll picked up the squeaking Elf...

...and carted him out through the doorway...

..where the distraught creature could see the NinnyPug sitting on the garden path...

...wearing the halter that Seamus had had in his hands earlier.

"Hup you go!" shouted Troll...

...and deposited Elf on the NinnyPug's back.

It immediately broke wind...

...and then sneezed violently...

...tipping Elf onto the path.

He tried to crawl away...

..but Troll collared him...

..and put him back in the riding position.

Seamus put the halter in Elf's hands...

..and told the NinnyPug to stand up.

This it did...

...wobbling from side to side...

... nearly unseated the squeaking elf.

The movement made Elf wrap his fingers into the creatures fur...

...and grip hard to hold on.

NinnyPug didn't like having it's hair pulled out by the roots...

..and took off like a bat out of hell...

...towards the pond...

The only sounds to disturb the quiet of the morning...

...were that of Elf screaming...

"WOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"

...and a stray golfball going "plop" in the water.....

..."You'll just have to ride!"...

2010-09-29T18:36:00.004+01:00

Elf woke up...

...and blinked...

..blearily...

...at his bedroom ceiling.

It took him a little while to remember what happened last...

...and looked around in a panic...

..just in case that creature was anywhere near!

No.

He was alone.

...that was...

..until Stinker came through the bedroom door with a tray of tea and crumpets.

"What the hell happened?" asked Elf....

..."..and where's that creature...that NinnyPug thing!"

"You took a fright at the sight of him..." explained Stinker...

.."..and fainted in the hallway."

"How's your face and ankle this morning?"

"Uh?!" grunted Elf, confused.

He sat up and tried to stand...

..but the pain in his left ankle made him yell loudly.

As he quickly sat back down on the bed...

...he caught sight of himself in the mirror.

A huge plaster covered the middle of his face...

...and he was sporting two beautiful black eyes!

He turned to look at Stinker, who'd now put down the tray on the bedside table.

"You landed on your nose...and must have twisted your ankle at the same time somehow..." he explained.

"But we're supposed to be going out to try Seamus's machine today" whined Elf...

..."..and I can't POSSIBLY come along in this state!"

"No worries!" said Stinker, brightly...

..."You'll just have to ride!"...

..."You'd better fill me in..."

2010-09-27T15:17:00.009+01:00

This conversation was brought to an abrupt halt...

...by a moan...

...a growl...

...and a squeak...

...coming from the kitchen.

"Ah! Signs of life at last" said Seamus, and disappeared through the door.

Stinker got up to follow the leprechaun...

...trying to avoid the watering eyes of the creature...

...who was sat looking desolate...

...with it's quivering bottom lip stuck out.

The elf felt a wave of sympathy wash over him...

...and put out a shaky hand to pat the thing on its head.

The creature closed it's eyes and gently sighed...

...Stinker felt forgiven...

..and walked through the open doorway.

Elf, Wab and Troll...

..looked like they'd all had a serious night on the tiles....

...but it seemed that they'd forgotten all about their earlier disagreements.

Seamus began to return the table and chairs to their rightful positions...

...as Stinker put on the kettle for a brew.

"Funny old day today chaps!" said Wab, shaking his head.

"Yeah" agreed Troll...

..."My 'ead feels right queerie!"

Elf looked a bit green around the gills...

..and Stinker managed to get a bowl under his chin...

..just as he began to throw up.

A little while later, everyone was sat comfortably in front of the roaring fire, drinking cups of nettle tea.

"You'd better fill me in as to what's been going on around here!" said Seamus...

..."and make some introductions too!"

Elf, feeling better now, introduced Stinker to Seamus...

..and explained just how he'd come to live at Bedelfty House.

Seamus rolled his eyes and said...

"Begorra Elf!....you DO get yourself into some wild scrapes don't you!"

Elf then went on to tell Seamus of all the plans for the Magick Mushroome Trips...

"Well, you see...it's like this...

...Wab's cousin Wesley got himself captured over there in Patch 51....monster kids and crones and all sorts of weird stuff going on...

...we know that there's a cave that leads into the Patch...'cos my old Dad found it...

...so we've come up with the idea of Magick Mushroome hunts to get a load of help (for free) ...to find the cave...and then I can use the information to write another book!"

"I'll be want'n pay'n for this of course..." said Seamus, looking at Elf...

"and I know what a tight fisted critter ye are!"

"No worries Seamus" crooned Elf. "I got a lot of help from a cow this time!"

"Cow?" queried Seamus...

"Yes! I found a cow that wants to get on...and thinks I can help. So she got rid of an obstacle for me...and now she pushes through all my grantees without any problems!. Applications went in for all the trips...and you've been named as a "Consultytant" on 3 of them. You've got the machine with you I see...."

Seamus walked over to a box that had been sitting on the floor.

"Yes" he said. "Hopefully I've built it so as it'll be find'n dose mushrooms. We'll have to wait and see though...'cos we don't have any where I live you know!"

"Fine" said Elf, grinning, "This will help me to raise my profile in time for the next round of elections."

"What elections be they then?" asked the leprechaun...

"Gwendy Bent ones....." explained Elf. "I'm putting myself around EVERYWHERE as a saviour and do-goody-goody...

...like with the elf children ...

..and that place for homeless spotty goblins...

...so that when the elections come 'round, that stupid little Jowey Elf won't have a snowball's chance in 'ell of gettin' re-elected 'cos everyone will think I'm bliddy marvelous!"

"But what happens if folks find out about all your nugget scams?" said Stinker, looking dubiously at Elf...

"WELL THEY WON'T FIND OUT WILL THEY!" shouted Elf...

"...and most of 'em are so thick...they don't get what's 'appenin' anyway!" he added, giggling....

"Bliddy good job too...seeing as there's LOADS more grantees to be gotten hold of yet, and plenty of deals with rentees an' things!"

"Well I won't be votin' for you...'cos I know you'm as bent as a nine nugget lump!" chipped in Troll, grinning from one big ear to the other.

"And I don't vote at ALL" said Wab...." 'cos I won't have my name on any lists!"

Seamus looked around the table...

"Looks like you've got it all stitched up then me old t'ing" he said, clapping Elf on the back and making him cough...

We'd better get out there and test this machine before the first trip."

"Tomorrow morning should be fine enough" said Wab, "I checked the forecast, and it'll be damp first thing, so the mushrooms will be up..."

"Sounds good to me" said Seamus. "...but before that...have you got somewhere that the NinnyPug can sleep while we're here?"

"NinnyPug?" said Elf, looking at Seamus...

"Ah! ..the creature in the hallway..." said Stinker...

Elf got up and looked through the doorway....

...fainted....

..and hit the floor with a loud "THUD"!...

...WHO the HELL are YOU?

2010-09-27T14:06:00.003+01:00

Stinker came around...

...to find the creature sniffing at him.

"GET AWAY FROM ME....YOU.....YOU.....THING!!!!!" screeched the terrified elf...

..."GET AWAY I SAY!!!"

The creature sat back on it's haunches...

...and tears began to slowly well up in his dark eyes.

Seamus came into the hallway...

...looked at Stinker...

...and said, "Now then...that's no way to be greet'n a guest is it?"

Stinker turned towards where the voice was coming from...

...blinked...

...and said...

"..and WHO the HELL are YOU?!!"

"I", responded the leprechaun....

..."am Seamus.....and Elf has invited me......to come and help with his mushroom trips!"

"And I would like to ask a question now..." Seamus continued...

..."Just WHO the HELL are YOU....and WHY do you SMELL so BADLY??!!!"

...another one!...

2010-09-23T19:13:00.001+01:00

Seamus...

...hearing the noise from the hall...

...stepped out of the kitchen to have a look what it was.

Seeing yet another elf out cold on the floor...

...he turned to the creature...

...and said...

"Another one! ....

....Whole world's gone barkin' mad me old fella!"

The creature just stared...

...how strange....

2010-09-22T16:25:00.005+01:00

Seamus walked into the kitchen at Bedelfty House...

...to find...

...Elf, Troll and Wab...

.. lying absolutely still..

..on the floor.

The leprechaun took a closer look.

Yes.....they WERE breathing...

He prodded Elf.

No reaction at all.

"...how strange" Seamus thought to himself, "..wonder what's happened here?"

There was a scratching noise in the hall...

..so he went out to check on his traveling companion....

"Sit there quietly!" he told the creature...

...who did exactly as it was told.

Seamus then returned to the kitchen and settled himself down in a comfy chair to wait for everyone to wake up....

Meanwhile...

...Stinker was just coming back through the front gate...

..after enjoying a superb cappuccino in Town.

As he walked into the hallway...

...a movement caught his eye.

He saw the creature...

...and fainted.....

....YOU THIEVING...GIT!!!!???...

2010-09-20T13:17:00.005+01:00

Elf was incandescent!

"SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!" he screeched, over and over.

Troll was banging his fists on the table again and yelling...

"NO!! Don't like THAT DO YOU!?"

He looked at Stinker and Wab...

...who, in turn, were looking from Troll to Elf...

...and back again...

..in total disbelief.

" All around Town it was....." Troll continued...

"'im and 'is bit of stuff from the bank.....Yeah!"

"B b but aren't all the bank staff goblins?" said Stinker, wide eyed...

"YES!!" shouted Troll, triumphant now...

Stinker and Wab looked at Elf, who was so angry that he'd gone from scarlet to a deathly white colour.

"It wasn't what you think" he managed to squeak indignantly...

..."I used her for information on business rivals!! She could get me figures and news of deals that they were involved in...and that let me grab quite a few properties before they even got onto the market! THAT was ALL it was!...as if I'd have ANYTHING to do with a GOBLIN!!"

"You expect us to believe THAT!" laughed Troll...

...but Wab was now looking through narrowed eyes at Elf...

"When EXACTLY did all this happen?" he asked quietly...

.."...about 20 years ago now.." said Troll...

..."but I remember it like it was only yesterday!"

Wab turned to Elf, and said...

"Those shops...just up from what was the butchers....were THEY some of the ones you managed to grab because of your goblin lady friend then?"

"Yes!" said Elf, with a sulky look on his face...

SMACKKKKK!!!

The next thing Elf knew...

...was that he was flying through the air and hitting the wall.

He slid down and landed in a crumpled heap on the floor.

Troll looked at Wab...

..who looked VERY ANGRY INDEED!

"YOU BOOSTARD" he yelled at Elf. "MY OLD DAD WAS UP FOR THOSE PLACES...AND WE WONDERED JUST HOW WE'D LOST THE SALE!....AND ALL THE TIME IT WAS YOU SWEET-TALKING A BLIDDY GOBLIN BIRD AND GETTING INSIDE INFORMATION! YOU DOUBLE-DEALING ...THIEVING...GIT!!!!!"

With that, Wab picked up the kitchen waste recycling bin...

...and tipped the contents over the shaken Elf.

For all Trolls earstwhile anger...

..he didn't like anyone else having a go at his little friend...

...so...

..he launched himself at Wab...

...and took a bite out of his left ear.

"OUCH!" yelled the stunned rabbit...

...and threw a rotten piece of cauliflower at Troll...

...who promptly caught it in his left hand...

...grabbed Wab with his right...

...and rammed the stinking vegetable into his mouth!

Wabs fists were doing overtime...

along with Troll's..

Elf took a dive at Wab's ankles...

..and got himself trodden on by both rabbit and troll.

Stinker decided it was time to do something.

He slipped out of the kitchen ...

...and came back a few minutes later to find a right brawl going on on the kitchen floor.

He dropped the little vial ...

...and legged it outside..

..after first shutting the open window...

..and closing the door behind him.

Soon, there was silence....

...and when he returned 15 minutes later..

..he found Elf, Troll and Wab out cold...

...but still knotted together on the carpet.

Stinker carefully untangled them...

..laid them side by side...

...and took himself off up to Town for a nice cup of Cappucino with a chocolate biscuit.

...SHUT UP!!!".....

2010-09-16T19:32:00.004+01:00

The two elves were looking aghast at Troll...

...who was having a dippy-fit in their kitchen!

"HOW THOUGHTLESS! CRUEL!!!!......UNKIND!!!!!" screamed Troll...

...as he began to thump the table in anger...

...making everything jump about and fall over.

Stinker and Elf both grabbed their bowls of ice cream...

..protecting them with their arms...

..just in time...

..as Troll pulled the tablecloth off the table, and everything landed with a smash or clatter...

..onto the slab floor.

Wab walked into the kitchen..

..and his furry jaw dropped as he surveyed the chaotic scene in front of him.

Troll was grabbing things...

..and throwing them on the floor...

...or against the walls.

Elf and Stinker had now taken shelter under the table...

..which did them absolutely no good at all..

...as Troll picked it up and threw it at the door...

..through which Wab had just walked.

The rabbit took a dive behind one of the fireside chairs...

..and yelled "WHAT THE BLIDDY HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU TROLL?! GET A GRIP WILL YOU!!"

That didn't seem to work, as the angry troll carried on in a blind temper.

Stinker, always a quick thinker...

..put his free hand into his waistcoat pocket...

...pulled out one of his latest experiments...

..and smashed it on the floor.

Within seconds...

..the whole room was filled with a noxious smell that made everyone's eyes burn...

..and throats feel like they'd swallowed neat acid!

Elf and Wab crept out of the kitchen door on all fours...

...as Stinker grabbed hold of Troll's ankles...

..and pulled him to the floor....

...where he then sat on top of him!

Troll was choking, and his eyes streaming....

..but at least his temper tantrum seemed to have abruptly stopped.

Stinker jumped off of the crying troll..

..and went to open the windows and doors to let out the smell.

A little while later...

...when all was quiet...

..Elf and Wab carefully edged their way back in...

..to find Troll sobbing in a chair.

Stinker had put the kettle on ready for tea...

...and Wab went across to Troll...

..put his paw on his shoulder...

..and gently asked..

"What's up Old Boy! You got yourself in a right state there!"

"It's THEIR fault" sniveled Troll, "They should KNOW not to have ICE CREAM!"

"But we WANTED SOME" squeaked Elf, indignantly. "And why SHOULDN'T we if we want to!"

"'COS YOU BLIDDY WELL KNOW WHAT I'VE HAD TO GO THROUGH WITH ICE CREAM OVER THE LAST YEAR OR SO!!!! " bawled Troll, going red again. " I'D HAVE THOUGHT YOU'D REMEMBER WHAT THAT BLIDDY STUFF HAS DONE TO ME...ALL THE TROUBLE IT'S CAUSED...WITH WANDA AND ALL THAT STUFF IN SPROUTVILLE...AND BEING TIED TO THE BED...AND ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT TROLLYKINS.....!!!"

Elf looked indignant still..

..and said to Troll...

"You can't expect everyone to think about THAT all the time....it's OVER now...and it's STUPID to keep dragging it up! Forget it won't you!"

Troll looked Elf right in the eye....

...put his face very close...

..and growled dangerously...

"...and I suppose YOU didn't go on for AGES and AGES after you 'ad that fling with that bird in Bogielays DID YOU?!!"

"...NO...you were so tetchy ...we all 'ad to tippy-toe around you for WEEKS...and never mention anything to do with nuggets or anything that even SOUNDED like it...didn't we!!"

Elf was stung!

"SHUT UP!!" he squealed...

..."SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

..GET THAT BLIDDY STUFF OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!..

2010-09-15T13:48:00.004+01:00

Elf and Stinker had decided that enough was enough for now...

...and that it was time to take a break and spoil themselves.

So...

...the table had been laid with...

..red, white and green...

...cloth..

..serviettes...

...little flags..

..together with wine glasses...

...special dishes...

..and spoons.

Elf said "Ok Stinker! Get out that ice-cream we got last month in Italia!"

"Right O!" said Stinker, and went to the freezer in the back porch.

He came back quickly with a large round tub of "Elf Gelati"...

...and spooned large dollops into their waiting bowls.

The two friends were savouring every mouthful of the delicious ice-cream...

...as Troll walked into the kitchen.

His face contorted into the most dreadful scowl...

...and he went a dangerous-looking shade of purple...

..."GET THAT BLIDDY STUFF OUT OF MY SIGHT!!" he screamed...

...as Elf and Stinker gawped at him in amazement...

...arrangements...

2010-09-13T10:49:00.006+01:00

Elf had been very busy of late...

...sorting...

...arranging...

...organising...

...ordering...

..etc, etc...

..everything for his up-coming "Tiddly Tours Magick Mushroome Trips"!

Wab and Wendy had also been giving a hand...

...and Troll had chipped in wherever he could...

...mainly sorting the bits and pieces for the troll-only trip.

Finally, the hustle and bustle had quietened down..

..and Elf and Stinker were left exhausted...

...drinking steaming cups of nettle tea...

..just as the sun was going down.

"Right Stinks" said Elf, "listen up now, I'm going to run through my commentary for the trips, and I'd like your opinion"

Elf stood up, put on his "Tiddly Tours" waistcoat, and began to shuffle through his cue cards.

"Hem. Hem. Well.......Welcome to Tiddly Tours special Magick Mushroome Trips, brought to you exclusively by me......Tred Elf!" squeaked Elf....

..his weedy little voice cracking and squeaking in a dreadful manner.

"I'd like to th th thank you all for coming.....Oh blugger it!"....he shouted as he dropped all his cards.....

..."Ouch!"....

..and hit his head on the corner of the table as he bent down to pick them up again.

Stinker put his head in his hands and peered gingerly through his fingers...

...as Elf tried to continue...

...squeaking...

..swearing...

...and getting the itinerary totally muddled up!.

Poor Elf ground to a stuttering halt...

..and, red in the face, looked at Stinker.....who said quietly...

"Maybe you should get someone else to do the commentary,...

...just so that you can greet everyone properly when they get onto the trolley!"

Elf could have hugged him...

..and promptly ran around the table and did just that!

"What a GOOD idea!" he said, "Of course I should just be "Mr Tiddly Tours" shouldn't I?...

...and let someone else talk themselves hoarse!

"We'll get a notice out, and start interviewing the day after tomorrow!"

The next day saw Stinker and Troll putting up notices all around Town.

"Person required to be a Tiddly Tour Guide. Please Contact T. Elf on 1111111 to arrange an interview tomorrow."

Quite a few folk looked and muttered...

...things like...

..."bliddy thieving thing"....."wouldn't work for 'im if 'e was the last employer in Town!"...

..."'e'll do anything to get 'is mitts on grantee nuggets that one!"...

..."fancy him using those innocent young folks to get them to do all the work while he picks up the nuggets!...disgusting!...shouldn't be allowed!"

However, someone DID arrange an interview, and turned up at Bedelfty House bright and early the next morning.

(A bit too early actually...as Elf was still in his night waistcoat when the knock sounded at the front door)

Stinker opened the door to a short trollette...

...who looked like she wasn't completely of genuine troll-blood....

...being a bit paler, and being without the oversized troll nose.

"Good Morning!" said the trollette. "I'm Aggie, and I've come about the job."

"Come in" said Stinker, and showed Aggie into the sitting room.

A few minutes later, a rather flustered Elf appeared...

...with toothpaste splodged all over his chin.

He held out his hand, and asked Aggie to take a seat.

There was some polite conversation for a little while, as Stinker went off to make a pot of tea...

...and when all the niceties were over...

...Elf asked Aggie to go through the cue cards for each "Tiddly Tour".

She was magnificent!!

She new everything about the Town...

...and the Mountain...

...and the Caves...

...and also about Elf's old Dad...

...and his adventures...

"Well, we won't concern ourselves too much with that old blugger!" said Elf, quickly trying to stop Aggie's flow.

"Folks won't be at all interested in HIM!"

"But, I'm very glad to be able to offer you the job! Although you will be known as "Miss Trippy" from now on. "Miss Trippy, the Tiddly Tours Official Tour Guide!"

"Yes that sounds very good" mused Elf, to himself.

"Stinker. Can you please call for Wendy to come and sort out Miss Trippy's contract!"

...and to Aggie...

"Right! The first trip is on Monday next! Be here bright eyed and bushy-tailed at 6 am!

When a delighted Miss Trippy tripped off down the garden path...

...Elf turned to Stinker and said...

"Right. Now that's sorted.....get Wab over here...and tell Seamus to book himself a boat for tomorrow!"

TIDDLY TOURS - ALL NOW FULL

2010-09-11T10:24:00.002+01:00

Dear Folks,

T Elf wishes to inform everyone that all of his "Tiddly Tours Magick Mushroome Trips" are now full!

Further details, including dates/times etc. will be posted soon.

TIDDLY TOUR... ESPECIALLY FOR TROLLS

2010-09-10T15:09:00.003+01:00

Dear Folks!

We have received many queries from trolls who wish to go on one/several of the "Magick Mushroome" Trips....

...but express some serious reservations about the "gourmet picnic" that is to be provided by W Rabbit Catering Co Inc.

In view of the very obvious differences in the understanding of the term "gourmet" by elves, rabbits and trolls....

..we have decided that a separate trip will be run, purely for trolls, and with a gourmet, 3 course gerbil-cuisine picnic supplied by Trixxi and Troxxi of "Les Gerbiles", Sproutville. This will be accompanied by copious amounts of "Daisy Drop Delight" beer too!

This trip will take in "The Rocks" and "The Caves" (but not "The Edges", as time does not allow all three).

Hopefully, this will satisfy all-comers.

T. Elf

(There are only a few places left on all trips now, so you'd better book quickly if you don't want to be disappointed!)

INFORMATION re. TIDDLY TOURS TRIPS

2010-09-09T10:17:00.005+01:00

Dear Folks,

Following many "Chatter Chatter Telling Phone System" inquiries, I am pleased to give the following information about the up-coming "Tiddly Tours" trips to Help "Elves Be Wee" with their "Magick Mushroomes" project:-

1) Cost per elf (or other) 50 nuggets
to include gourmet 3-course picnic and bottle of Lettuce Wine
(Provided by W.Rabbit Catering Co. Inc)

2) Fairy Cakes will be available on the trolley at a cost of 5 nuggets
(It has been noted that if Fairy Cakes are crumbled around an area, then fairies are more likely to appear)

3) Any fairies seen MUST UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES BE CAUGHT!!!
(This has been decreed by W.A.F.E.L. as it has been noted that there is a roaring trade in illegally caught fairies!)

4) Special Magick Mushroome Bags will be available on the trolley at a cost of 10 nuggets.

5) All participants are required to provide all Magick Mushroome information that is in their possession to T Elf afterwards, in order for him to compile said information into a book (which will be sold at a cost of 50 nuggets after publication)

6) All/any photos taken of fairies become the copyright of "Tiddly Tours." (NO EXCEPTIONS!)

7) Parents of "Elves Be Wee" members are required to provide sick-bags for use on trollies and in the field.

8) EVERYONE MUST ENJOY THEMSELVES!!

2010-09-07T14:56:00.005+01:00

Volunteers wanted...

...to help Elves Be Wee...

...with their new project...

"The Historie of Magick Mushroomes on The Towne Mountaine"

Would all those interested, please contact T Elf, Bedelfty House.

..or using the brand new "Chatter Chatter Telling Phone System"...

...ring number 1111111 !

As everyone knows, Magick Mushroomes have been part of our local environment for many many centuries now...

...and have been enjoyed by locals since time began. (Well, almost)

"Tiddly Tours" will be running trips to "The Rocks"; "The Caves"; and "The Edges" (of Patch 51)...

...in order to hunt the elusive Magick Mushroomes and their even more elusive "Fairy Keepers"!

COME ALONG AND JOIN IN THE FUN!!!!!

...Nuggets!...lovely Nuggets!!!

2010-09-07T12:54:00.006+01:00

Elf and Troll had been seen hanging around Town...

..both grinning stupidly...

...for various different reasons.

Troll had been more than happy to tell everyone that Wanda had been "carted off after going nuts in the head!"...

...and more than a few folk were quite glad to hear that bit of news too...

...(Wanda having been not one of the most popular persons around!)

Elf was keeping his reasons to himself...

...plans were well on their way...

..but no-where near sorted just yet...

...and he didn't want anyone knowing exactly what he had lined up in order to scam nuggets from all over the place!

The two friends had a very good reason to be also hanging around the "Elves Be Wee" building...

..what with them having just copped a large pot of nuggets to do some history project!

Elf, of course, would be "helping"...

...and, maybe, even getting a fee for being a "consultitant"...

...or for organising one of his "Tiddly Tours" for the youngsters.

One way or another, he'd get his mitts on some of those lovely nuggets!!!

After they had finished promenading...

...they made their way back to Bedelfty House, where Stinker had just finished preparing mid-morning tea.

"You've had a cow on the telling phone" Stinker told Elf as he entered the kitchen...

"Which cow?" asked Elf, his little heart skipping a beat...

"Milly Moos" replied Stinker. "I told her you'd call her back as soon as you got in"

"You bet I will!" said Elf excitedly....

...and went off to the hallway to make the call.

"Hellooooooo Milly my Dear!" Elf crooned....

..."Have you got some good news for me today?"

Troll and Stinker could hear Elf getting more and more excited as the conversation went on...

..."You DID manage to get rid of that rat then!? Good. No EXCELLENT! That's been a pain in the rump for FAR too long now....stopping my grantees getting through and causing me all sorts of other problems too! Well done Milly! I'll make sure I keep my promise and put in a word for you at Gwendy Bent! How soon do you think you can get those applications through for me now?..."

...."Oh that's simply wonderful! Wonderful! We'll soon have those nuggets rolling in thanks to you! You MUST come for tea sometime. I'll give you a call. Bye bye now!...and Thanks again!"

"Whoooopeeeeeeeee!" screeched Elf as he tripped his way back into the kitchen.

Stinker and Troll looked at his happy little face.

"Milly Moos has managed to remove that bliddy rat from Comfy Furry...so NOW she can get my grantees through for me!" squeaked Elf, excitedly.

"This means our plans can go full steam ahead now...

...and we'll have loads of Nuggets!....Lovely Nuggets!!"

..The morning after...

2010-08-27T16:46:00.004+01:00

Elf and Stinker had gone a bit overboard with the "celebratory drinks"...

...and both were grumping around Bedelfty House with headaches.

So, when Troll burst in through the door at 10 am...

...yelling loudly, and grinning all over his large green face...

...he was rather surprised to find himself being yelled at to "SHURRRUP!!"..

..by the two sorry-looking elves, who were sat, gingerly sipping nettle tea at the kitchen table.

"BUT YOU JUST GORRA LISTEN!!" bawled Troll, obviously in a state of absolute glee...

..."IT'S BRILL!!! JUST BLIDDY BRILL!"

"It would be more bliddy brill if you took yourself off and yelled somewhere else!" said Elf, quietly, holding his head in his hands.

"I agree!" said Stinker, sitting with a cushion cover over his head to keep the daylight out of his bloodshot eyes.

"But......but...I just gorra tell someone?!" said Troll, whispering this time.

"That's better" said Elf, "but don't take too long, 'cos I think I'm going to be sick!"

Stinker carefully lifted the cushion cover from his eyes to peer at Troll...

...who hadn't looked so happy....

...well...

...EVER!!

He was wringing his large hands...

...grinning for Britain...

...giggling and humming at the same time.

"Well?..." queried Stinker...

"SHE'S GONE!!!" Troll yelled...forgetting himself...

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" came the response from both elves as they clapped their hands over their ears.

"She's gone. She's gone. She's gone.!!! Hee hee hee hee!"

"Who's gone?" asked Elf, looking at Troll and almost daring not to hope his thoughts were right...

"WANDA!" yelled Troll again....."Ooooo sorry, .....Wanda" he whispered..

"How come?" asked Elf, wide eyed and paying full attention now.

"Well" said Troll, "Since she hasn't been able to get any more of that bliddy ice-cream, she's been acting more and more strange....

...and since all that running starkers stuff over there in Sproutville...

...well, "someone" reported her to the Troll Health Board...

...and they CAME AND CARTED HER AWAY THIS MORNING!!!"

Troll began to dance around the room, tipping over chairs and anything else that came into his path...

...he picked up cushions and kissed them...

...then picked up the cushion cover with Stinker's head in it...

...and kissed that too!

"WHERE'S THE ROCKET LETTUCE JUICE?" asked Troll, "THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATORY DRINK!!"

Stinker crawled out of the room...

...just as Elf was sick in a plant pot...

"What on EARTH is the matter with YOU pair? I thought you'd be PLEASED for me?!"

We-Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!

2010-08-23T17:16:00.003+01:00

It had been an "interesting" kind of Julliet and Orgst....

...and our little friends had been having "interesting times" !

Elf and Stinker had been in "secret communication" with Wab and a few of his cousins...

...laying plans for their "new business venture" that would be starting very soon now...

..it all depended on the "Chatter Chatter Telling Phone Company"...

...and their plans to get the Town "connected".

Chatter Chatter was, of course, run by another couple of Wab's cousins, Wilf and Worm..

..and they had put everything in place to get every house in Town talking on their Chatter Chatter telling phone system!

All the flyers had been put around.

Elf, Stinker, Wab, Wendy, Wandy and Kimbo had all been tramping around doing their best to persuade folks to sign-up for a "Really Great Deal" on the "Very Latest and Up-To-Date Telling-PhoneTechnology"!

Fair do-s...

...hardly anyone had declined..

...and Chatter Chatter had made arrangements (with Tred and Troll's Combittee)...

..to bring in diggers to dig the trenches for the required cables.

Work had started three days ago, and was proceeding wonderfully.

No-one had fallen into a hole.

No-one had tripped over a wire.

And...

...no-one had noticed a certain Stinker...

...crawling around in the trenches...

...during the hours of darkness!

For three nights running, Stinker had been out and about...

...and had returned to Bedelfty House, absolutely filthy...

...just as day was breaking.

"That's the last one in!" he grinned at Elf - his teeth showing white against his brown, mud-covered face.

"Well done Stinks!" said Elf, "Shall we have a little glass of something to celebrate?"

"YOU BET!!" said Stinker. "Just give me a couple of minutes to have a shower, then we'll toast our success!"

Elf poured out two glasses of "Extra Special XXX Rocket Lettuce Juice"...

...and sat down to wait for Stinker.

..who appeared moments later looking a lot cleaner...

...and smelling a lot fresher.

"TO OUR NEW VENTURE!!!" they shouted, as they raised their glasses, and took a sip of the green-coloured liquid.

"We-Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!"

..things are on the up!!...

2010-07-11T15:40:00.006+01:00

..Stinker had been left home alone at Bedelfty House for days...

..waiting for "communication" from Wesley...

...while Elf was out and about holding Big Willy's hand during all the campaigning.

Elf had smiled (even when he didn't feel like it)....

...laughed at crap jokes.....

..tickled shitty smelling babies....

...drunk so many cups of tea he'd almost pee'd himself a few times...

...eaten FAR too many cakes and biscuits...

...and managed to hide the fact that he REALLY hated Big Willy....

...for getting what ELF should have had HIMSELF!!!

But, never mind...

...it had all been worth it!

Big Willy had got the seat on the Gwendy Bent Combittee...

...and Elf knew that he could now get things done his way because of it.

However, Elf needed something to do himself...

...and THAT had come by way of Twttie Chicken's School.

Plans had been afoot for some time to make all the older elf-children move out and go to a new school called "The Spottys"...

Twttie Chicken had wangled her way onto the combittee set up to organise things,

...but had made such a pain-in-the-backside of herself, that others had begun to arrange meetings without telling her.

As a result, things had been decided...

..that Twttie didn't like.

So...

...she called in her mate Elf...

..who was always on the look-out for things to do that would make him look good...

..and he was now selling himself as the "saviour of the top classes"!

Of course, nothing was going to be easy here.

Because of Twttie's previous involvement...

...things were in a right mess.

This was one chicken who couldn't organise an egg hunt in a hen house...

...and nothing was running properly.

But Elf...

...being Elf....

...sailed on in there....

...contacted all the local papers...

... and began to strut his stuff.

Elf came home each evening feeling absolutely whacked.....

..and..

...as usual...

...when he was under pressure...

...he got one of his "bellies".

He spent most of the evenings sitting on the loo...

...and admiring his "Tred's Tourism Company" loo paper.

"Things are on the up" thought Elf, as he waggled his legs around, admiring his new shoes...

..."I'll have to give this tourism thing a bit more serious thought now, as I'm going to be in the limelight again..."

Ffffffffffffffffffffffssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

"STINKER!! PUT THE KETTLE ON WILL YOU!"

...no communications....

2010-07-01T17:18:00.004+01:00

Elf, Stinker and Wab spent the next few days sitting in front of the seeing stone....

...hoping to get some kind of communication going between themselves and Wesley.

They'd watched goodness knows how many programmes.....

..."Marigold Street".....

..."NorthEnders"......

..."DerryDownDale Farm".....

..new "reality" shows like...

..."Big Udder".....

(..where silly cows compete for lots of nuggets....)

.."Town's Got Talent"...

(...where anybody and everybody can compete for a big fat prize... which usually also means a "record deal" with Slime-on Bowell, one of the judge's companies...)

.."The "Y" Factor"....

...(another show where young creatures sing at the top of their voices and then explain "Y" they want to win!!...)

..various quiz shows like...

..."Meal or no Meal".... (food quiz)

..."Fall Down"... (based on counting backwards)

..and..

..."The Biggest Stink"... (I don't REALLY have to explain THIS one do I?!)

Then, there were the umpteen filums...

.."The Spy who ate Me"...

..."Dr Gigavalo"...

..."GutBusters"....

..."Boombi"...

..and...

.."The Rumble Book".

They'd taken it in turns to keep awake...

..in case Wesley managed to get a message through.

So far though...

..there was absolutely nothing coming out of Patch 51....

..poor Troll....

2010-06-18T14:46:00.004+01:00

Elf and Stinker didn't see Troll for ages.

Bryn, the Post Snail, had given them news about the nasty noises going on at Troll Hollow...

"There be shoutin' an' screamin'....cryin' an' bawlin...crashin' an' bangin'..." said Bryn, slowly....

"..it fair sounds like she's 'alf killin' 'im!....an' I seen 'im limpin again yesterday too....."

The snail shook his head, and slithered off towards Town.

Elf and Stinker waited in anguish...

...for Troll to (eventually) turn up.

When he did...

..he was indeed limping badly.

He was also covered in cuts and bruises...

..and had two black eyes!

"This is DREADFUL!!"" screeched Stinker. "WHY do you let her get away with it Troll? You should tell 'er to pack 'er bags and blugger off!"

Elf sat quietly looking at his big friend.

Troll looked utterly miserable.

"Troll" said Elf gently "Why don't you tell Wanda to go?"

"We used to get on so well" said Troll, holding his head in his hands "but since that bliddy ice-cream came about, she's been bliddy awful!"

He looked up at Stinker and Elf and said "I AM thinking of doing something now actually....like getting her into Patch 51!. There's a good chance I'd never see 'er again then!"

"But HOW are you going to get her in THERE?" asked Elf, wide-eyed...

"Well, she's made me let her onto Tred and Troll's Combittee, so in that case she can be involved in the rescue of Wesley. Wab came 'round yesterday and she let him know in no uncertain terms, that SHE was going to be involved in EVERYTHING we do from now on!" explained Troll.

"So I thought that we'd just let 'er, and then get rid of 'er in The Patch when we get a chance."

At that moment, Wab's face appeared at the kitchen window...

"Any chance of a cup of your famous Nettle Tea, Elf Old Boy?" he said, hopping in with a nifty movement.

Tea was duly poured, and the plan was explained to the wide-eyed rabbit.

"Brilliant idea Troll Old Boy!" said Wab, clapping Troll on the back.

Troll yelled and slumped over the table, wimpering.

"It's his back..." whispered Elf.."Wanda smacked him with the broom"

Wab apologised hurredly, and gently put a paw on Troll's arm..

"We'll work it out" said Wab....

"We'll get Wesley back.......

...and Wanda lost!"

"Damn that Big Willy!!"

2010-06-11T11:28:00.007+01:00

Stinker had had a dreadful few days.

Elf had done nothing but snivell and wimper because he had been "cast aside" (as he put it)....

...and poor Stinks had been on the receiving end of more than a few temper tantrums!

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'VE ALL TAKEN AGAINST ME!" bawled Elf, blowing into another length of "Tred's Tourism Company" loo paper.

"IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!!!!"

This last announcement was accompanied by the throwing of the snot-filled loo paper at the pot sitting on the hearth.

As was the norm...

...it missed by half a mile...

...and Stinker had to go and pick it up, and deposit it in the pot before Elf could throw it at him.

"DAMN THAT BIG WILLY!" shouted Elf, thumping his fist on the table, and spilling his tea for the umpteenth time.

Stinker rushed to get another bundle of loo paper to wipe up the liquid....

...just as Elf kicked the stool, and knocked it into poor Stinker's boney shins.

"OUCH!" screeched the distraught elf. "Will you PLEASE stop behaving like a spoiled kid!"

"So you didn't manage to get your own way this time.! Get over it! It's not MY fault, so STOP taking it out on ME!"

Elf sniffed....

...and managed to say "Sorry" like he actually meant it.

Then....

..there was a knock at the door....

Before Stinker could get up to answer it...

..the door opened and the two could hear Troll shouting from in the hallway...

"Get the kettle on! I'm parched!"

Elf stared at Troll as he appeared in the kitchen doorway.

"What d'you think you are doing here?!" he squeaked, a scowl on his little face.

"Come to make peace." said Troll, "We've been mates for too long to let something like this come between us!"

Stinker plonked down a cup of nettle tea in front of Troll, and disappeared to "do some tidying" upstairs.

"Look mate" crooned Troll, "You've only got yourself to blame. All that stuff with the pink party, and getting into bother with that company that's lost all that money an' all....well, folks were annoyed with you...still are...but.....well......I'm NOT!"

Elf looked at his big friend and a slow, watery smile spread across his unhappy looking face.

Then...

..he leapt out of the chair and threw his arms around Troll,

hugging him until he could hardly breathe.

"I'm SO glad Troll" said Elf, finally sitting back in his chair, "I didn't like not being friends with you. I haven't got many friends see......only you and Stinks really..."

"...and Big Willy will be your friend TOO!" said Troll. "I've told him he has to be."

Elf looked carefully at Troll.....

"There's something else you're not telling me!" he said.

Troll looked sheepish....

"Well....I've asked Big Willy to be second on Tred and Troll's Combittee" said Troll quietly...

"YOU'VE WHAT!!!!!" screeched Elf "That's treachery that is! How COULD you!"

...and he promptly burst into tears again.

"Now listen up Old Boy....we've got to let someone else have a go....or at least LOOK like they're having a go. Big Willy isn't the most intelligent troll around...and he'll do as he's told. So WE can still be in charge...it just won't LOOK like it. See...then we can't get the blame if something goes wrong!"

Elf looked at Troll, and hiccupped.....

"Really?" he said, feebly...

"REALLY!" asserted Troll, slapping Elf on the back and nearly winding the poor thing.

"We've got a lot of catching-up to do Old Boy" said Troll.

"Plans to hatch. Nuggets to be made."

Elf's face lit up like a beacon...

(as Troll knew it would at the mention of "nuggets"...)

"We must include Stinker in everything now though" said Elf. "He's living here, and he's really nice to me!"

"Of course we will" said Troll. "Shall I give him a shout?"

"Yes" said Elf.

Troll went out into the hall to call Stinker, who was still "tidying" upstairs.

But before he opened his mouth to shout....

..he heard a familiar....

...and rather....

..no....

...VERY unwelcome sound.....

...coming from the lane at the bottom of the garden.

"DAMN! BLAST! AND BLUGGER IT!!!" hissed Troll...

...as he listened to the booming voice of...

..Wanda...

...who was obviously making her way to Bedelfty House.

"SH*T!! SH*T!! SH*T!!......I paid those Sprouties good nuggets to keep her locked up...and they've bliddy-well let her go!!"

Stinker came down the stairs....

...Elf came out of the kitchen...

..to find Troll.....

...on his knees....

...crying into his big hands...

"Whatever's wrong Troll?" asked Elf, putting his arms around his sobbing friend...

The reply boomed from somewhere to Elf's left....

"I'LL BLIDDY WELL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG! I'M VERY VERY PIS*ED OFF WITH SOMEONE WHO PAID TO HAVE ME KEPT IN A SPROUTVILLE JAIL!!!!!!!!!"

"BOG OFF!"

2010-06-03T17:03:00.005+01:00

Elf and Stinker made their way to Troll Hollow.....

...chatting companionably as they went.

Birds twittered in the trees...

Butterflies fluttered amongst the flowers...

Bees buzzed around the glowing hedgerows...

The world felt a really good place to be, and Elf was positively glowing with enthusiasm for his latest idea.

All the forms had been completed and submitted.....and on time.

He'd had to make up a lot of the answers....

...but that was allowed...

...as long as it got him the job!

They rounded the corner, and Troll Hollow came into view...

...nestled snugly into a bank of fluffy bushes.

"You feeling good about this then?" queried Stinker, seeing the happy look on his friend's face.

"Oh! Yes!" replied Elf, puffing out his chest. "Troll will ALWAYS help me."

"Even though you stood against his candidate in the Election thing?"

"Oh! Don't worry about THAT!" said Elf. "Troll will sulk a bit for a while, but he'll always stick up for me. He always does!"

The two stood on the "Welcome" mat...

...and Elf knocked the door.

There was a growling sound from inside....

...and then the door opened.

Troll stood there glowering.

He'd been dreaming of something rather nice...

...and didn't appreciate being disturbed.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!" he bawled, looking down at the two elves in front of him.

"I've come to see you about the Gwendy Bent job" squeaked Elf. "You can help me get in can't you!"

Troll took a step forward...

...and put his face very close to Elf's.

(His breath stunk badly, and Elf tried not to breathe in case he was sick!)

"YOU CAN BLIDDY-WELL BOG OFF!" bawled Troll...

...right into Elf's surprised face.

"THE POSITION'S BEEN FILLED!...AND NOT BY YOU! IN FACT, WHAT WE DECIDED WAS THAT YOU WOULDN'T GET THE JOB IF YOU WERE THE LAST PERSON ON THE PLANET! YOU'RE A BLIDDY LIABILITY! YOU COULDN'T ORGANISE A PIDDLE-UP IN A ROCKET LETTUCE FACTORY! YOU CAN'T RUN A BUSINESS WITHOUT GETTING IT INTO TROUBLE. YOU'RE A THIEVING GIT! DISHONEST!...AND BLIDDY-WELL USELESS INTO THE BARGAIN!....

...NOW GET LOST AND DON'T COME 'ROUND 'ERE AGAIN UNTIL I'VE DECIDED WHETHER OR NOT I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANY MORE!"

The door shut with a BANG!!!!!

Elf's face screwed up....

..and tears began to drip down his face.

He flopped down in a heap...

Stinker looked on ...

...distraught.

"This isn't good" thought Stinker.

"Not good at all!"

"I'M GOING FOR IT!!"

2010-06-01T13:28:00.003+01:00

Stinker, who'd been sleeping nicely in the chair, jumped as Elf screeched in his earhole.

"Come on! Wake up! We've got to get over to Trolls!!" babbled the excited elf.

Stinker blinked, and said, "And exactly WHY do we need to get over there? I thought you two weren't talking after the election thingy."

"Water under the bridge old thing!" replied Elf, pulling on his red waistcoat.

"I've decided what we'll do next....well what I'LL do next actually."

"And that is?....." queried Stinker....

"That Gwendy Bent position!" said Elf, nodding his head and making his bell jingle.....

"I'm GOING FOR IT!!...and Troll will help me....I just KNOW he will!"

"We'll think of SOMETHING"

2010-05-19T16:22:00.003+01:00

Elf and Stinker had been bundled into a trolley and taken to a secret place for questioning....

Stinker was stubborn.....

...Elf...

...as usual...

..was in tears.

They were questioned for hours and hours.

First one lot of questions...

...then another....

..but to no avail.

Stinker ducked and dived about, making no sense at all.

Elf just cried and sobbed, until, eventually, they all gave up.

Stinker had pointed out that the photo of Elf stuck in the litter bin actually PROVED that he couldn't have been in the building at the time of the attack...

...and no-one could prove that Stinker himself had been there either.

He'd even reported that his trolley had been broken into...

..and that two dozen boxes of "Beauties" had been stolen.

Peeroot had, reluctantly, been forced to let the pair go.

Stinker grabbed the sobbing Elf, and dragged him out of the building as quickly as he could....

He even managed to get one of the officers to give them a lift back to Bedelfty House...

...threatening legal action if they didn't comply.

"Unjustly imprisoning us.......accusing us of things we never done.....AND losing Elf his Parlymint place to boot!!"

"You'll be hearing from our LAWYERS!!!" bawled Stinker.

The pair now sat in the sitiing room drinking steaming cups of nettle tea.

"What we gonna do now Stinks?" asked Elf, hiccupping as he spoke.

"Don't you worry Old Boy!" said Stinker...

"We'll think of SOMETHING!"

A Very Important Troll...

2010-05-19T15:56:00.006+01:00

Troll was sat alone in the kitchen at Troll Hollow....

...staring down at the gleaming chain that lay in his hands.

He had a huge satisfied grin on his face....

(of course Wanda wasn't back from Sproutville yet, so THAT helped a lot too!)

"It's been a good couple of weeks!" Troll thought to himself.....

..."Our man Nobby getting the Parlymint job...AND Mandy insisting that ME, Troll, should have the chain of hoffice and be in charge of Tred & Troll's Combittee!"

Troll felt VERY IMPORTANT INDEED!!!!!

Every time he went past the hallway mirror.....

...he took a look to make sure everything was looking good.....

He'd spit on his hand and smooth down that errant strand of hair that kept flying away....

...or adjust the buttons on his waistcoat....

...or flick away a bit of fluff.

Dedley and Stev had made a big fuss of him...

...and Nobby Snott M.P had shaken his hand for a VERY LONG TIME....

This was his chance.....

..TROLL was going to BE SOMEONE!

Then...

..he thought of his little friend Elf....

..and his downcast face as he'd been led away by Peeroot....

Troll felt a bit guilty because he'd told Dedders, and Dedders had told someone else...

...who'd got the message to Peeroot...

"Stupid bliddy elf!" thought Troll "Why didn't he stick with the Red Scarves? he'd have been part of things then. Now, he'd be on the outside, and wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting onto the Gwendy Bent Combittee!"

Dedders had said.....

"That bliddy Elf is about as useful as a tart's garter in a convent! No-one is to have ANYTHING to do with 'im. 'Ees BAD NEWS!!"

"But what about the vacancy?" Troll had asked.

"Rather have that stupid cow!" had been the response.

Troll knew better than to argue with Dedders when he'd "spoken". No-one argued with Dedders...he'd been to school!..and had letters after his name.

No!....

..No-one argued with Dedders.

..NOT SO FAST!!!!.....

2010-05-11T13:40:00.004+01:00

Elf stood there...

...squeaking his triumphant speech into the micryphone.

Stinker was rubbing his hands...

..partly because they were cold...

...and partly because he was thinking of all the nuggets this would bring!

Then.....

..there was a rumpass...

...and a large number of official-looking ferrets surrounded the Ancient Sundial.

Hermes Peeroot stepped up to Elf, and removed the micryphone from his sticky little mitt.

"NOT SO FAST!!! This result is declared NULL AND VOID!" said Peeroot.

There was a stunned silence....

"This elf is under arrest, along with THAT elf THERE"...he said, pointing at Stinker...

..."...for a planned terrorist attack on the Elf Union building in Sproutville!"

"I have spoken to the local authorities, and they have decided that Tred Elf CANNOT stand for Parlymint, and that the second placed candidate should therefore hold the position. This, I understand, is Nobby Snott!"

Screeches and whoops came from the Red-Scarf camp.....

...and the troll stepped up to be declared Member of Parlymint.

Elf and Stinker were led away.......

.....to the boos and growls of the crowd.......

The Election Debate.

2010-05-06T14:29:00.003+01:00

All the Candidates were stood there with fixed smiles....

...and chattering teeth.

Some of the organisers had run around with small braziers....

...but the freezing temperature refused to budge.

No-one could understand it.....

...until someone piped-up...

“It's the ghost then innit!”

“My ol' Bampie told me about the Ghost of the Ancient Sundial when I was a little'un”

“He said it made everything an' everybody cold when it was about”

The speaker then stuck his nose back inside his scarf like the rest of them....

...this was the only way they could deal with the awful shitty smell that had been hanging around for ages now...

Elf swallowed, and looked around nervously....

...then turned back towards the wide-eyed crowd with a silly little high-pitched giggle.

Big Fishy, the Chief Organiser, bellowed into the micryphone...

...and announced that the Debate was to start.

“Questions will be taken from whoever is holding this stuffed cockerel! On NO ACCOUNT is ANYONE allowed to say ANYTHING if they don't have the cock in their hand!”

Most questions were addressed to Dickie Duck, and Nobby Snott for the first 30 minutes.

Both Candidates answered in an assured kind of tone, despite their chattering teeth (or dentures in the case of the Red Scarf troll!)

A be-spectacled mole took hold of the cock, and asked Dickie Duck....

“You've been in the High Parlymint for a few years now, but seem to have not asked many useful questions at all! What was your most useful or eventful experience during the time you were there?”

Before Dickie Duck could answere however.....

...a loud voice boomed out from inside the Ancient Sundial....

“Well we had a fight with a gorilla if you consider that to be eventful!”

This was then followed by a cackling and a screech.

Dickie, and the other candidates looked around in horror....

..whilst the rest of the townsfolk laughed out loud.

Dickie went red.....

...and then stayed very quiet.

Next to be grilled was Nobby Snott.

A cheeky looking pig, holding the cock, asked...

“What would you like to do if you win this Debate?”

Snott replied....

“I've always had a dream.........”

“.....about becoming a celebrity cock-dealer!”

..screamed the voice again....

“How Pervy!”

Nobby put up his fists and went running all around the Ancient Sundial.

“Come out 'ere NOW you GIT! I'll bliddy-well show yer! Makin' me look daft in public!”

The audience roared with laughter.....

Next up was a small rabbit, who asked Mordred K Rabbit...

“Will you try to get us out from the control of the Elf Union as quickly as possible?”

“You can be SURE of that alright!.....”

“So you think someone will buy this?!”

came the voice again.

More laughter from the crowd....

...as Mordred slunk away with his ears drooping.

And when Merino Sheepie was trying to say something really nice about the Ancient Sundial..and how it should be made a “National Monument”........

the voice bawled...

“Very nice! Beautiful shaft – lovely looking...have you got the balls?”

..which sent everyone in the crowd into hysterics.

The poor lamb burst into tears and gambolled away down the street.

Big Fishy then asked for more questions....

..but the cock had got lost in the melee...

He shouted for “ORDER!”....

..only to be greeted with....

“Someone just stole my cock! Follow tha' Police car!”

After a while, the cock was found, and more questions put to the various Candidates....

...most of which were answered without interruption....

Then...

..Rocky got the cock...

….and looked straight at Elf.

“Could you explain to us EXACTLY WHAT you would do for US if you get elected today?”

“Well.....I'd make everything better!” squeaked Elf...

“HOW?!” asked Rocky, a mean look in his eye....

“Well!...I'd make sure that we all have access to fresh air!” ….

..and beamed at the camera so that his face filled the large screen...

..then gave a delighted little wiggle, because he'd managed to say it properly...

“Have you been shot in the arse lovely or is there something you want to talk to me about?!”

Roars of laughter from the crowd....

...then ….

“Well if HE can make this smell go away...he's got MY vote!”

..came the shout of a well wrapped-up elf.....

“I think you should all be told that this smell has probably been MADE by this Candidate, or someone working with him” said Rocky, grabbing the micryphone. “He was caught in Sproutville setting off stink bombs in the Elf Union building!”

..and with that...

..he picture of Elf stuck in his bin with Stinkers Beauties filled the giant screen.

All the other candidates took the opportunity to berate Elf, who screwed up his face ready to cry.....

...but then...

...some of the crowd began to shout....

“Good on 'im if 'e did that to that bliddy Elf Union lot.....Good Man! I'm voting ELF!!”

This sentiment want echoed throughout the crowd...

..and Big Fishy had to step in and call order...

..before the voting was to take place.

“Everybody must now fill in their forms and post them in that box there!”

A couple of hours later....

...all forms had been deposited...

...and counted.....

..and Big Fishy stepped-up to announce the winner.....

“TRED ELF!!”

The crowd roared....

...the other Candidates looked gutted....

Rocky looked gob-smacked....

...and Elf looked smug!

..and what's the moral of this story?

It doesn't matter how bent, crooked, corrupt, inept, stupid or badly-dressed you are..........

if you've got friends in the right places (because you've put them there)...you will get everything you want....and loads of nuggets to boot!

THIS IS THE WAY OF IT LATELY!

..so..

..will the last person to leave PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS!

IT'S ALL GONE TO HELL!

..all set....

2010-05-01T13:44:00.002+01:00

The scene at the Market Circle was all set......

All candidates were stood on their shampooey boxes......

...scarves flying in the early evening breeze.

Something didn't feel quite right though.....

The large screen seeing-stone was fixed on the Diggers Club...

..so that everyone cold see the candidates "up close and personal" as it were......

All the spectators were waiting eagerly for the proceedings to begin....

...especially Rocky....

...who was armed with cameras, recorders, and loads of notes.....

...and the waiters from the Diggers Club were running around....

...supplying drinks to the waiting crowd....

..because it was at least 72 degrees.......

...but the candidates were all stood there shivering.....

...with hands blue....

...and noses red.....

Icicles were seen forming on the water in their glasses...........

...and there were some VERY strange sounds coming from inside the Ancient Sundial.....

"What's that SMELL??!!"

2010-04-28T15:17:00.002+01:00

Everywhere around the Mountain and Town....

...folks were to be seen with scarves, hankies....

...or whatever else they could find...

...wrapped around their faces.

Those poor souls who had nothing to hand....

...were a deathly shade of green....

...and were.....

...in some cases.....

...throwing up!

"What's that SMELL?!!!" said a distraught mole.....

"Smells like shit to me!" replied a bundled-up duck....

"Where's it coming from?!" asked a green-looking sheep...

"Dunno!..but I wish it would go away!!" said a goose, wiping his beak....

"We need to get someone to DEAL with this!!" said an odd looking elf who was swathed in pink...

.....mutters of agreement came from all around.....